I am a trailing spouse and mother of one, who has been living in Japan for seven months. When I first arrived, I loved the thrill of it all. But now I hate Japan. We are living in a tiny apartment with no backyard or outside space and we all sleep in the same room. My son is cooped up inside unless we take a couple of forms of public transport to get to the local park. My husband works from home on occasion and then I have the impossible task of keeping my sixteen month old son quiet and occupied so as not to distract his father.
As an Australian, this is not at all how I envisaged my son's childhood or my parenting style. It was not like this on our first assignment in Canada. I desperately miss my mum for the emotional support and I wish she could help more with my son. I feel like I do not have five minutes to myself, or anywhere in our home to 'get away'. I miss Australia dreadfully and although my husband says we can go back once this assignment has finished, I have a sinking feeling that he does not want to go back to Australia at all. Can you offer any advice*?
GM
Expat Women Girlfriend:
Dear GM,
As is often the case for a trailing spouse, you are juggling and trying to handle various situational, environmental, emotional and personal issues simultaneously. Ensuring your family are safe, secure and comfortable in their new home, while you are personally trying to figure out a new culture and navigate the emotional upheaval that this brings, can be downright difficult. Throw into the mix your new role of parenting and suddenly life looks completely different and quite often not at all how you pictured. More often than not, your own needs are sacrificed for those of the rest of your family unit.
My first word of caution is about being too nostalgic about 'home'.The reality of life in your home country might not actually match your memories of 'home' anymore. We tend to reflect on the positives and blank out the negative aspects of most of life's experiences, especially if you are in an unhappy space now. You may be reminiscing with rose-tinted glasses on.
If you are living in the past and yearning to be back in Australia it will be nearly impossible to adjust and assimilate in your new location. In order to integrate or adapt to life in Japan, you need to live it and be present in it. Get out and experience new things, try new foods, go to new places, join a club, read up on Japanese literature, get involved in Japanese cultural activities – go do some sightseeing. Japan has an astounding history and a remarkable culture that many people enjoy getting lost in. Your life in Japan is not 'instead of' your life in Australia. Think of it as 'addition to'.
Assuming that you will be in Japan for a while longer, the only real way to move forward is to articulate some positive changes that you can make in your day-to-day life that might help you to feel better about your new location. Can you change where you live? Granted, you might lose some money on the current lease, but are you able to find someone to take over your lease, or can you live with losing some lease money in an effort to improve the happiness of everyone in your home? Have you thought about contacting some estate agents to get an idea of what is available? I appreciate Japan is not the cheapest of places to rent accommodation, but you will not know if you do not investigate. If you cannot move, can you befriend others nearby that might have an outside yard or play area, where you could visit with your son?
Have you considered enrolling your son in a kindergarten or nursery for a few mornings a week? This will give your son contact with other children his age, access to run around, make noise and play – and it will give you the time you deserve to do something for yourself. Another idea would be to take your son out to more activities – such as swimming lessons, music classes or any other type of socialisation classes that will get you both out of the apartment and feeling more involved in your community. What about joining a playgroup (or two) of other expatriate or internationally-minded mothers? This could provide you with an outlet to share your joys and your struggles with like-minded new mothers who 'feel' what you are going through and are probably going through the same things themselves. If there are none in your immediate vicinity, you could always advertise (in local media, via a flier at the local supermarket, or via online forums) and start your own?
Another major consideration is just how much of your frustration is due to your location versus motherhood? Motherhood is a massive adjustment in itself and an ever-evolving one as your children grow. It has a huge impact on your life, given its 24/7 responsibility, (very often) sleep deprivation and the feeling that you never have any time to yourself. These are issues that mothers all over the world deal with, so be careful not to blame these frustrations on your innocent host country.
With regards to not having your parents around to help out, again a word of caution: many an expat has been lured home by the promise of free babysitting from grandparents, only to find that the busy schedules of grandparents today might not match those of their children. With sixty being the new fity, and fifty being the new forty, grandparents today are more than likely still working (at least part-time), regularly travelling for pleasure and/or just very busy in their own right.
My suggestion is that once things are clearer in your mind, in terms of why you are frustrated, what you can change and what you cannot, talk to your husband (because open and ongoing communication is vital) and then set yourself some goals and timeframes for making positive changes to improve your situation. If you find that you have genuinely tried to be happy in Japan but cannot, then again, you need to speak with your husband and articulate clearly how you feel and why. Together, you need to work out what is important and how you can both be happy.
Many relationships have broken up overseas (and at home) because couples cannot see how to change a current, unhappy situation. However, many other relationships have survived because together, couples have made difficult decisions (such as moving home, quitting a job and/or changing a career path) that have ultimately improved their family's happiness and kept them together.
Note: Do not be afraid to seek out external counselling to help you both think and talk through what you are both seeking to improve in your current situation.
Unfortunately, not all expat assignments work out. Nor do all marriages. But before you go down those tracks, think how you personally, and you as a couple, can try to transform your situation so that your time in Japan might later become a wonderful memory about which you might also become nostalgic.
Expat Women Girlfriend
February 2010
Our Expat Women Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our Expat Women Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.
*Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.
