I am a professional woman and have decided to take a break from my job as a Political Advisor to the United Nations to join my husband on sabbatical here in Portugal for two years.  We knew about the move five months prior, so had enough time to research, plan and get excited about our new adventure. I made a list of all the activities that I wanted to do during these two years and contacted many of the International Clubs before arriving.  I daydreamed about my well-deserved break from work, the time I would get to spend with my husband and all the things I was going to do. 

However, we have been here for six months and I cannot believe how lost and dissatisfied I feel.  I am shocked and embarrassed to feel this way, as I genuinely thought I would get enough stimulation from my surroundings, supplemented by the local expat club activities.  However, I realise now that I need more than coffee!  I know it is a turnaround from my initial plans, but it is very obvious to me that I cannot continue down this path for much longer with my sanity intact.  Any suggestions?

GK

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear GK

You are right – the transition from full time employment to not working at all can be a difficult one.  It sounds like you are struggling with letting your professional identity and schedule go, which is very understandable.  Take heart however, in that many professional career women before you have taken some time off for themselves and had a rewarding and valuable experience, whether it be overseas or at home. 

It is not uncommon for the non-working partner to feel a bit lost four to six months after relocating.  The first six months are often referred to as the honeymoon period of expatriate life, where you are busy setting up your home, exploring your new city and discovering yourself.  Although, once the final boxes are unpacked and you have visited the last museum, ‘real life’ begins and that can be quite a crash back down to earth for some.  Quite quickly the ‘glamour’ and excitement of expat life can wear off and you are left trying to put some ‘new’ meaning into your life.

Right now, you have the choice to spend the next year and a half fighting your decision to take time off, or accepting your original decision and using your time wisely and to your benefit. (If returning to work is an option, then that is another choice for you too.)  I  It is not forever, you do have an end date, so do not be so hard on yourself.  Assuming you choose to stand by your original decision, be creative with your plans – there are lots of things that you can do over the next eighteen months that do not have to involve just coffee mornings.

First of all, I suggest you dig up the list of ‘to do’ activities you wrote when you were working.  These were obviously things that motivated and inspired you when you were excited about having time off.  Review it and see which of those on your list are now both possible and interesting to you?  If you can only look at that list with a tired, lost face, go out – get some exercise, take a shower, and come back at the list with new, positive eyes.  Choose the three items that stimulate you the most and make that this week’s project.  Along with physical exercise, being proactive is the best way to ward off depression, self-pity and negativity – especially for a goal-oriented person.

Secondly, have you looked into volunteer work (perhaps in a field that would enhance your credibility as a Political Advisor with the UN), the possibility of furthering your education,  doing some non-stressful home-based work projects with your previous employer, or taking on a new work role, perhaps part-time, in a field that interests you rather than one related to your traditional career? If you were a Political Advisor, you most likely have very good interpersonal and written communication skills.  Have you thought about using these skills to write a how-to book about your location?  There are always new angles for existing books – and in many locations, there are not many expat-related books at all. 

Thirdly, if despite your best efforts, you cannot escape the fact that you are a high-achiever that must have daily deadlines and goals, then exploit this (it doesn’t make you a bad person) – create some tasks and deadlines for yourself and make sure every night before you go to bed, you know exactly which tasks you need to complete the next day – remembering to include both health and well-being activities, plus activities for your sanity.

The next step, is to find the ‘right’ expat clubs and/or local associations to join – because coffee or no coffee, there really is great value in building support networks abroad.  You never know when you might need someone – either now or in the future – for work contacts, for social contacts, or for help in an emergency.  If you have only found expat clubs where the people attending these coffee mornings are not your ‘cup of tea’, look for new groups and associations.   Get yourself some business cards with a professional title on them and target  the business-related groups.  .  You might meet some very interesting contacts, or accompanying spouses (female or male) in the same situation as you. Meeting like-minded individuals will not only provide some inspiration and understanding but also provide you with support and friendship.

It sounds as if you are an ambitious person and expect results or to achieve certain goals in all you do.  So, set yourself some direction and a sense of purpose each day – and live it!  Whilst it might sometimes feel like a burden, it is in fact a luxury to be able to have the time and financial support to enjoy and experience another culture and all that has to offer, without the pressure of working.  I hope you make the most of your time abroad and come home enriched, refreshed and inspired.

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.