ExpatWomen:Robin, your name is legendary in expat circles, for writing the how-to books for expats, such as: “Culture Shock: A Wife’s Guide”; “Culture Shock: A Parent’s Guide”; “A Moveable Marriage”; and “Raising Global Nomads”. Can you please tell our Expat Women a little bit about your background, your expat experience, and what started you writing books for expatriates?
Robin:My husband was a diplomat in the Canadian Foreign Service for 15 years and we enjoyed four postings to Bangkok, Taipei, Beijing and Seoul, with repatriations to Canada in between. He left the service when our daughter began high school and we moved to Vancouver, the ‘permanent’ repatriation which formed the basis for my book Homeward Bound: A Spouse’s Guide to Repatriation. Since we moved ‘home’ I started ExpatExpert.com in 1998 and began traveling to expat communities around the world to speak and reporting on trends in global living, which has kept me current with new challenges and also has allowed me to meet expat families all over the world and learn what’s on their minds. I don’t feel like a legend.
I started writing my first book when our son was two and we were posted to Taipei without any support whatsoever. I realized that most information and books (this was pre-Internet!) didn’t really address the emotional side of moving abroad, especially challenges for the spouse like career and the parenting challenges of raising children while on posting. As a journalist (I’ve been one for 33 years!) I was not allowed to practice my trade on postings, so decided to turn to writing books. What keeps me writing? The challenges keep changing (even if so many stay the same!) so I wanted my work to stay current. Also, the Internet was so conveniently invented for me. so I could begin reaching a wider market through the net and amazon.com and, I could also start self-publishing my books. So starting Expatriate Press and becoming a publisher was a new challenge I initially embraced reluctantly, but have found it fascinating and keeps me on a learning curve.
ExpatWomen: Homeward Bound is all about ‘going home’. Why do some people consider going home to be a more difficult transition than going abroad?
Robin: When you have been living the exotic and interesting life of an expat, sometimes life at home can seem very boring and mundane, people can seem uninterested in your experiences, and a creeping sense of isolation and depression descends upon the ‘repat’. Combined with the fact that the transition to home takes longer than the adjustment to life abroad (18 months to two years instead of the typical one year that country culture shock takes to play out) and it can all add up to a difficult transition. People are also feeling the intense loss of their former life but can’t articulate that grief. Instead, they just feel odd, marginalized, and ready to pack up and move abroad again.
ExpatWomen:What factors do you believe contribute to “re-entry shock”?
Robin: People get hit with re-entry shock because it is so unexpected. They simply don’t realize that they are going to feel like a stranger in their own country for a little while. They certainly don’t prepare themselves for it. People go home wearing rose-colored glasses and so there is the inevitable let down when the glasses come off and the reality is not like the idealized version of ‘home’
ExpatWomen:What can expats do to better manage their (and their family’s) “re-entry shock”?
Robin: They can start by having a conversation about it! There is so much denial that re-entry shock even exists that if someone feels off because of it, they think there is something wrong with them. So talking about it, acknowledging its existence, is a good start. I also believe that it takes time to adjust to being home but people want everything in place—new life, jobs, friends—immediately and that is simply not going to happen. The ability to exercise patience becomes the number one virtue during repatriation. For expat women, and in particular women ‘of a certain age’ a lot of feelings associated with repatriation are muddled by the physical symptoms of menopause or pre-menopause. I always recommend a woman see her doctor shortly after arriving home and have a blood test to see where her hormone levels are sitting. All of these measures will help but re-entry shock is still going to happen anyway. So it’s best to just ride the rollercoaster of emotions for a while, knowing that the ride will end eventually!
ExpatWomen:Robin, many relationships break up abroad. Do you have any words of advice for expats returning home alone (with or without any children from the relationship)?
Robin: That is a very tough situation which many expats and especially women find themselves in. They may not even initiate separation or divorce proceedings until they are home, so add that trauma to the challenges of repatriation and you have a recipe for serious depression. All I can say is that during a rough transition to home without the immediate family in tact, extended family members and close friends are the best support. Expats often don’t ask for help (they suffer in silence and then wonder why nobody cares!) so if in a bad spot with divorce, they really do need to ask for help.
ExpatWomen:Thank you very much Robin. We wish you ongoing success and fascinating travel opportunities!
Robin: And I wish you continued success with this fabulous web site!
Excerpt from the Book
What is Re-entry Shock?
Re-entry shock is simply the shock of being home. It’s the reverse culture shock you experience in your own country when you visit places that should be familiar to you, but aren’t; try to interact with people you should feel comfortable with, but don’t; or face situations you should be able to handle, but can’t. There can be no simpler way to explain it. Re-entry shock is when you feel like you are wearing contact lenses in the wrong eyes. Everything looks almost right.
These feelings are particularly disconcerting when they happen in your native country and can be far worse than just a bad case of culture shock. Abroad, you expect to feel foreign; you don’t expect to when you come home. When this shock does occur, as it does for everyone in some form or another, it can make you feel extremely unsettled and often, so insecure and inadequate, that it can spark a veritable emotional chain of reactions.
Like culture shock, it has a cycle of its own which must be worked through to its natural conclusion. Depending on various factors discussed in this chapter, re-entry shock can last mere weeks. For others, it may be years before the contact lenses are fitted back in the correct eyes.
Re-entry Shock Can Be Worse for the Spouse
At home with the moving boxes and endless details to attend, the non-working spouse often feels the blows of re-entry shock harder than the partner who goes directly to an office and structured job, or a child who heads off to school. That’s not to dismiss the intensity of shocks for the employee or the child, but they are different from the ones experienced by the spouse.
Isolated, lonely, and exhausted from unpacking or chatting only with real estate agents and the service people helping put a home together, the spouse is left grappling with the harsh realities of re-entry, like starting over again and thinking how nice it would be if a new life could just magically emerge from the moving boxes. Unwrapping reminders of the old life can bring on nostalgic tears borne out of that exhaustion and loneliness. Overly-anxious to get everything settled and get on with life already, the inventory of spousal emotions that emerges at this time can be almost as complex as the list of household belongings. These feelings are similar to the ups and downs associated with the culture shock of a new foreign assignment. That’s because at first, home can seem like a new assignment especially if the re-entry has been into a brand new city.
It’s completely natural to feel like a foreigner at first. Though your own culture’s cues may be all around, they are still unfamiliar.
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