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Alone At Home
Marian Weston
Expat Women's Interview with Marian
ExpatWomen: Marian, congratulations on the recent publication of your first book: Alone at Home... The Practical Guide For Those Coping Alone. Can you please tell us exactly who the book was written for and why?
Marian: Writing the book was partly a cathartic exercise for me, as well as wanting to produce a practical tool /resource which would help others experiencing 'alone-at-home' status wherever in the world they lived. Five years ago when my husband started short term assignment working we were unprepared for the challenges and struggled a lot in the first few months, it was lonely and isolating. What really helped was when I started documenting my experiences and researching other families' experiences, there was the realisation that I was not the only one struggling. It was very helpful talking to others, as although everyone's experiences were different, the main challenges were the same: total responsibility for children and home, long absences from the family, constant readjustment in relationships, no at-home support network etc.
Although this book was written from the short-term assignment perspective (predominantly an expat audience), it also addresses a larger audience, than just the expatriate sector. In today's fast moving and rapidly changing world, the reasons that people are ‘alone at home', are varied: single parents; military personnel on active duty; partner's work is in a different part of the country to the family home etc.. My hope is that this book will prove a valuable and helpful resource for anyone in the ‘alone-at-home' role, whatever their individual circumstances.
ExpatWomen: Can you tell us about your own expat experience (where you lived, why you lived there etc) and how you ended up Alone at Home?
Marian: As a child I lived in Dar-es-Salaam, Tanzania. I attended an international school in Dar until the age of 14 when I returned to boarding school in the UK to study for O and A levels. On finishing college, I spent a year working in Dar, before returning to London to work in the PR and marketing sector. In that interim period my parents had moved to Dubai. Whilst visiting them on holiday I was offered a job working for the Management company of the Dubai World Trade Centre. I worked in Dubai for three years and it was there I also met my husband.
After a five year stint in the UK, and two children later we returned to the Middle East. Our first posting was for two years in Doha. We then moved on to spend seven years in Amman Jordan. Living in Jordan was a fantastic experience and gave us wonderful exposure to a different part of the Middle East. Whilst living in Jordan we also visited Israel, Lebanon, Syria and Egypt. We were really privileged living in Jordan, the historical and cultural experience was second to none. Our last posting was to Colombo in Sri Lanka. It was a combination of uncertainty within Andrew's project and educational issues, which prompted us to re-evaluate, culminating in our decision that the family would return to the UK whilst Andrew continued away on short-term assignments.
ExpatWomen: What research did you undertake to gain data for your book (aside of course, from your own experience)?
Marian: Whilst I was writing the book from the family perspective, I felt it was important to glean a lot of background information, so that I would have a holistic understanding of the 'short-term scenario' from both the corporate and assignee perspective. I interviewed senior personnel with some of the major organisations who monitor different employment trends such as Mercer, Price Waterhouse Coopers and ECA. I also interviewed HR managers to find out factual corporate data, whether they had specific policies for their short-term assignments, how these assignments were managed, percentage of people they had employed on short term assignments etc.
I surveyed 50 families, sending a comprehensive questionnaire with specific areas for individual family members to complete. My main aim was to capture the family experience and I felt it was important that children/teenagers had their own space, in which they could articulate their worries etc., and that it would remain confidential. I also sent questionnaires to 20 assignees for their responses to how this lifestyle affected them, what were their main concerns, how they foresaw this employment trend being sustainable and/or popular over the long term etc.
Combining this research material with my personal expereinces, provided the content for my book.
ExpatWomen: From both your research and personal experience, what would you say are the key challenges for the Partner who is Alone at Home?
Marian: Some key challenges for the partner who is alone at home include:
• Keeping home and family balanced in your partner's absence.
• Constant re-adjustment to relationships and family life when they arrive and then return to posting.
• Ensuring and encouraging regular communication between yourself and partner as well as the children (helping the assignee to feel more involved, even though at a distance).
• It is easy for couples/families to grow apart, when home visits are every few months. That is why it is important change the routine, arrange visits in posting, individual family time, weekends away etc.
• Often people (who need someone to offload to) do not understand the necessity for a strong support network until the assignee has gone, and then it is much harder to implement.
• Emotional overload and responsibility when you are dealing with schooling and children's issues.
• Trying to empathise and be understanding of problems your partner may be having on their project, when you are half a world away.
• Liking your own company and being able to be independent.
• Dealing with feelings of resentment when the going gets tough!
• No contact with the partner's company.
ExpatWomen: Are there things that the Alone at Home partner can do, to help deal with or overcome these challenges?
Marian: There are quite a few things the alone at home partner can do to help overcome these challenges:
• Do your research by reading (internet and otherwise), or talking to people with experience. It all helps prepare you. Short term assignments are very popular and increasingly used by corporates because they are more project-orientated and more cost-effective. Corporates are now giving the issue of short term assignments a higher profile in the overall corporate scenario, there is more discussion about policy and consequently more information becoming available.
• Be organised and list important contacts and phone numbers in case of emergency.
• Establish a regular communication schedule with your partner. It helps you offload and it keeps your partner up-to-date.
• Ensure you have a good support network. It is really important that you have someone who will take the children for you from time to time, you can always reciprocate.
• Delegate some household tasks for the children (if possible).
• Make time for the children – organise regular sessions where you: meet as a family; and individually, where you can all talk things through. If they don't want to talk to you, ensure they have someone they can confide in (family friend, doctor etc).
• Establish good communication with your school and doctor etc.
• Develop a hobby – it will give you a good social outlet.
• There is a tendency to try and make your partner's home visits perfect. This is hard work and an unreasonable expectation.
• As a family, ensure you do some long term planning, every quarter half year, this way everyone can input into the family forum.
• Ensure that you plan some 'couple time' when your partner is back – go to the theatre, walk on the beach or away for the weekend – it is important to re-establish your role as a couple.
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ExpatWomen: What coverage in your book do you give the not-at-home Partner - and do you have tips and advice for the not-at-home partner?
Marian: Through talking to personal contacts as well as those surveyed, some tips are:
• Set up Skype contact with family - chatting regularly to keep in the loop of family life and happenings.
• Diarise well in advance things like important school events, birthdays anniversaries etc. and try to arrange home visits around these events. It helps the family bonding process.
• Spend individual 'quality time' with each family member, when back.
• Organise good support for house/car maintenance, electricians, plumbers etc. for your at home partner.
• Get company contact for your at home partner, if wanted/needed.
• Even though at a distance and you can't do the daily tasks, you can still help by taking responsibility for the financial planning, legal contracts such as wills etc.
• Monitor medical requirements for different countries – ensure medical and life insurance is current and adequate, and
• Plan your communication. If you want a heart-to-heart after a bad day, don't phone/Skype at tea time/bed time – it might not be the best time.
ExpatWomen: Can you share with our audience, what type of practical exercises you provide in your book, and why you think practical exercises are important?
Marian: From my experience I have always found it really useful when practical exercises are included, it gives you a foundation, a starting point, and from there other ideas/coping strategies will flow. I always find it really helpful, reading other people's personal experiences, and how they coped with the challenges has a huge impact. The practical exercises I have included are often in the form of questions. At the end of each chapter I have summarised coping strategies under the heading ‘Quick Tips', hopefully these will be a good benchmark for people to check against.
ExpatWomen: And finally, does your book provide useful website links and/or ideas of other key resources that might help couples living through these types of short-term assignment separations?
Marian: I encourage people to visit my website for useful links:
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ExpatWomen: Thank you very much Marian – both for the interview and for your kind donation of three copies of Alone at Home to three lucky Members (July 2007 giveaway)
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