ExpatWomen: Robin, how did it feel to bring back to life your ‘Culture Shock: A Wife's Guide' (now reverted back to “A Broad Abroad”, the original title which you gave it before the first publisher changed it)?
Robin: I found it quite sad, actually, that so much of what I originally wrote and said publicly for the first time back in 1992 still holds true in 2009. After 20 years now of working on behalf of expats, I feel that despite all the thousands of words, policies, research, and surveys that have gone on, expat women who follow their husbands' jobs are no further ahead in having their needs and challenges really understood and taken seriously by the powers that be (including often, their own spouses). And this despite all the research that shows when the spouse is unhappy, the assignment fails and a company can lose millions of dollars. Of course there have been landmarks, like easier work permits as one good example, but otherwise, I still hear the same conversations that I did 20 years ago. Except now, I hope, with sites like yours and all the wonderful books in print, spouses feel less alone with their feelings!
But why did I bring it back? Because every time I'm out in the world speaking, someone still wants this book! I resisted and resisted (I thought my marriage book had supplanted it) but I guess not. Spouses still need to have their feelings validated as well as hear some common sense advice. And, as Ruth van Reken, the author of “Third Culture Kids” kindly wrote about the book on the cover: “Reading it will help expat spouses everywhere realize they aren't going crazy.”
ExpatWomen: Back in 1992, this book pioneered the how-to field for expat spouses and turned out to be a springboard for your career as a highly respected speaker and expert in the relocation arena. Was that ever ‘the plan'?
Robin: I think of all of this as ‘my accidental career' that has lasted more than 20 years. I just wanted to write one book (this one) because I was so irritated at being constantly dismissed and being told, basically, ‘there, there, dear.” It was never my intention to continue doing this beyond the one book (the manifesto, as my husband calls it). I have been a journalist now for 35 years and while never in the mainstream except before I was married when I worked in television, I had every intention of always returning to reporting. But I suppose I was lucky that the challenges of global living for the family had not been reported on (or indeed, been deemed worthy of reporting on!) so it all worked out and I certainly have no regrets. This book has taken me from South Africa to South America to Southeast Asia and so many points in between. The Internet and Amazon.com really made it happen. It is truly amazing what you can do by e-mail. I think I was ‘social networking' before there was social media. I know I had a blog in 2000 on my website when it was still known as a ‘weblog'. So while my plans may have shifted, I was given a wonderful opportunity through this work to make great global friends, travel to faraway places, learn a lot, and hopefully, reassure a few women along the way.
ExpatWomen: Given your experience talking to expat spouses around the globe, what do you think has changed for expat accompanying partners since your how-to book was first published in 1992?
Robin: Women are much more willing now to speak out about their challenges. Before it was all very hush hush. You just drank and smiled. But now, thankfully, all the dynamic women who have started websites (yourself included) and blogs, written books, started companies and so on, are not labelled troublemakers the way I was. Now they are coaches! I once actually spoke at an HR conference where an oil HR manager (a woman no less) said outright in the question and answer session: “You're making this all up, Robin.” As if I had nothing better to do than schlep around the world on my husband's air points, books in tow, fear of flying always present, to speak (for free in most cases) in order to make up the whole thing. It was one of the only times I really lost my cool. My hosts found me in the bar of the hotel, clutching a picture of my two children, which was to remind myself why I did this in the first place.
But to answer your question directly, though, I think what's changed dramatically for spouses have been the technologies. Phones, computers, etc make them feel less isolated from their families, cultures, pop culture, books, resources and so on.
ExpatWomen: What would be your top 5 tips for accompanying partners?
Robin:
Never lose your sense humour (multiplied times 5). Seriously, the reason I wrote this book originally, and why I have brought it back into print, is so that the person who must choose to accompany a partner (and it is a choice, it must be stressed) is able to make an informed decision. They must really do their research and know what awaits them and not let people gloss over the loneliness at the beginning, the culture shock, the loss of identity if a job is given up, a husband who has a personality change when he is suddenly “Master”... all these things happen, maybe not all at once and maybe not to everyone...
But here is the key: most of these challenges do go away. (Can't speak for husbands taking themselves so seriously.) One door closes, one opens. Optimism (and that sense of humour) must be key. Likewise, telling your partner what you need. That is the reason, I m certain, that I m still married after 28 years (when my husband has been travelling for at least 15 of them).
ExpatWomen: Robin, can you share with us the story about your book cover image?
Robin: I am sitting in a Dutch ‘bakfiets' which Dutch women use to cart around their children and groceries. A lovely young American woman, Rosy Lara, opened her home to me and arranged for me to speak to the American Women's Club in Amsterdam. As she used one to take her own children around town when she lived in Holland, she asked me if I minded being taken to my lecture in it. It was the end of a very long tour, I felt as wild as I looked, but it was too hard to resist riding in it and luckily, Rosy is very fit! Just before we set out, she took that snap. When I saw it, I thought, one day, I simply must put the picture on the cover of a book. It just captured, in my mind, exactly how women can feel, both good and bad! Boxed in perhaps, but doing something wild and crazy. x
ExpatWomen: Finally, what's next for the Expat Expert?
Robin: I have a lovely speaking tour in the works for the month of March and part of April next year which will take me to some new places. And of course, I will continue to be available to expat spouses through www.expatexpert.com. But I will confess that I am so happy that the next generation of spouses has whole-heartedly embraced the idea of helping others so if I do decide to ease out (I have already started to write a book that has nothing to do with expats) there is another wonderful team of talented women already working on behalf of expat women. I feel that with the re-release of my book for wives, I have closed the circle for myself and my work with expats. There's a great sense of closure that goes with that.
ExpatWomen: Robin, congratulations on your re-launch of your timeless guide for expat spouses. Your humour and compassion still shine through this new book and we thank you for continuing to give so much to the expat women community.
“Who is she? She is the international travelling wife. Insteadof moving to the next street, state, or province, she relocatesevery few years from one side of the world to another. Married
to someone in a foreign service, enlisted in the armed forces, or
working for a multinational corporation or organization, a
bank, a news bureau, a church, or merely a small export business,
she is the ultimate portable wife and probably a mother
too. Her career is mobile, her makeup duty-free. She can say
“please” and “thank you” in several languages and knows how
to evaluate a school or household help in thirty seconds. In the
wake of her husband's career, she and her husband and children
seem to effortlessly glide from one exotic outpost to another.
She is also the last person anybody really thinks about until all
the clean underwear runs out.
Behind that friendly facade of competence and sociability
there often lurks one very scared, emotionally exhausted, and in
many cases angry and resentful “accompanying” wife. On good
days, she can easily extol the virtues of an overseas assignment,
not the least of which is the romance and adventure of life in a
foreign culture. She can watch as her children grow up in an
international setting, offering them a “liberal arts childhood”
by enlarging their world with culture and travel.
But talk to her on a bad day, perhaps while she seems to be
sipping demurely from that drink at a reception, and you will
discover that she is in fact irritated beyond words to have been
forced to attend her third cocktail party of the week, only to
engage in the same pointless small talk she has made thousands
of times before in other countries to officials who could not care
less about her other than that she is Mrs. Husband's Job.
“And how are you enjoying our country?” the official asks
her wherever she is in the world.
“I'm so glad we moved here,” she will lie. “The people are so
warm and friendly that I just love it here already,” she'll say,
drinking quickly so as not to choke on her own hypocrisy. On
that day, it may just so happen, far from being caught up in the
romance of a new assignment, she is in the throes of the hostility
common to the early adjustment period. Instead of warm
and friendly, she has found the locals intrusive, rude, and stupid.
She wants to go home.”
