Expat Friends Leaving

Dear EW Girlfriend,

My partner and I have been living as expats for the past six years - in the Philippines, Taiwan and now in Aruba. Unlike most of our expat friends, we are not on the 'expat treadmill' and do not have to move every two to three years because of our employer. We are 'lifestyle expats' - freelance consultants who can live and work (almost) anywhere, with much more control over both our destination and our timetable. We relish living abroad in exciting locations, meeting interesting and stimulating people, and right now, we are really enjoying our third year in Aruba and have no short-term intention of relocating.

However, many of our friends are now getting ready to be moved to another location and every time we catch up with them, a large part of the conversation revolves around their upcoming move and how unsettling it is. We have been through this twice before in our other locations but this time I cannot help but think about those of us left behind. Our friends forget that their relocation uncertainty is unsettling for their friends as well. Do you have any tips for coping with friends that leave, and for not thinking so selfishly about being left behind?

PG


Expat Women Girlfriend:

Dear PG,

The transient nature of expatriate life means that we are always in flux with regards to relationships. The impact of this constant change, especially for women, is significant. Renowned American feminist psychiatrist Jean Baker Miller believes that women rely on being able to maintain relationships as an essential factor in maintaining their own sense of self. In her book, Toward a New Psychology of Women (1986), she wrote, "Eventually for many women, the threat of disruption of connection is perceived not as loss of a relationship, but as something closer to a total loss of self."  This sense of loss is felt by those leaving, and, as you say, also by those left behind.

As many long-term expatriates will attest, it is difficult to relocate, but it is often more emotionally painful to be 'left behind' - with nothing immediately new and exciting to look forward to - than to relocate (and bask in the wonder of a new and exciting location). Those staying behind can feel like they have only memories and constant reminders of those who left. This intensity is compounded by the fact that expatriate friendships tend to develop quickly and there is often a strong emotional dependence on one another - especially if you are living in a country with a vastly different culture, language or level of development. Friends abroad become surrogate family very quickly and are indeed a vital part of adaptation to the host country. So when they move on, it is like a member of the family leaves town and it is only natural that this affects you as well.

Remember: people move all the time - both abroad and at home. Even if you were living in your 'home' country, close neighbors, family and friends move around too. They may move down the road, to another city or to the other side of the country. The distance does not matter as much as the change that it has on your life. The fact of the matter is that all moves have the potential to be unsettling - both for those moving and for those left behind.


Lifestyle Expats Versus Corporate Expats

There are benefits and disadvantages to both the lifestyle expat option and the corporate expat option. Perhaps none of us can understand the other's challenges exactly, unless we have taken both routes, but perhaps it is worth remembering here one thing that causes the most uncertainty in a move is 'loss of control'. Lifestyle expats may not have the salary packages that corporate expats do, but usually they have more control over when they move and to where they will move. For corporate employees, they are usually given few options (if any) about where to go next, sometimes with very little notice, and it may not have been the destination they had been aspiring to or planning towards. Their move date is often given to them, rather than chosen by them, and all of these things put together can cause uncertainty and a sense of 'loss of control'. This sense of uncertainty is almost always compounded by logistics and the waiting game that is inevitable with overseas relocation.

Try to understand the loss of control that your friends are going through - and the red tape and/or internal politics that corporate moves can entail. It is understandable if you cannot relate to your friends' circumstances and constant 'up in the air' talk, but do try, because it genuinely does impact all of their waking moments - thinking, worrying, planning, second-guessing and 'waiting'. It can be very hard for them to detach those emotions from their every daily conversation - although granted, they should also think of you and at least try not to talk about it every time you meet up.


Coping With Loss

It is extremely unsettling and disconcerting to be surrounded by those who are leaving, and sometimes it may seem easier to not bother being around them at all. The desire to protect ourselves from feeling sad is perfectly natural. We all strive to increase the pleasurable side of life and minimize pain in our lives.

There is no fail-proof way to protect yourself from the pain of someone leaving your network. Unless of course, you choose not to make any friends abroad - which we do not recommend and it is not a sustainable tactic for any 'well-being strategy'.

You can choose to (a) enjoy and enhance your life in the company of new friends and prepare to be sad when they leave, or (b) put up barriers to protect yourself from getting too close, limit making new friends and therefore avoid the heartache and upheaval as people move on. People deal with loss (and therefore grief) differently but looking at a complex emotion very simply, these are the two common choices most people will take. Whichever option you choose, here are some tips that may help you to cope a little better or at least make you feel a little better.

Meet Many. Invest time in meeting many people and nurturing multiple friendships. Whether you choose to explore each or any of these in depth is your choice, but having a broad friend base will help alleviate the emptiness each time one friend leaves. No matter how depressing it may feel, try to stay open to meeting new people and the possibility of creating new friendships - rather than sitting at home feeling lost and alone.

Find Local Friends. If you are particularly wary about the pain of watching friends leave, and you expect to be in one place for quite a long time, consider forming genuine friendships with host country nationals, as well as expatriates. Host country nationals (aka "locals") can become some of the most wonderful friends in your inner circle, if you let them. They have so much to share about themselves, their culture and their country, and they are probably less likely to 'leave you behind'.

Look After Yourself. Give yourself permission to feel sad when friends move on and treat yourself to something nice to make you feel better - get a massage, go for dinner with other friends, go for a long walk - or retreat for a little while and nurse your wounds. A good friendship deserves a little grieving time when one of the friends leaves. Do not be too hard on yourself immediately following your friends' departures.

Stay Positive. Friendships make our lives meaningful.  Allow yourself the chance to revel in the joy the friendship brought and keep this proverb at the forefront of your mind: "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" (Alfred, Lord Tennyson).


New Opportunities

You said one of the best things about being an expat is the opportunity to meet interesting and stimulating people. Try to treat each friend's move as a new opportunity to both (a) meet even more interesting and stimulating people after they have gone, and (b) gain a new location to which to travel to, to visit your relocating friend(s)!

All the very best in Aruba and with your friendships - both old and new.


EW Girlfriend


April 2011