Expat Women Confession

Intercultural Couple

Q. Recently I moved from my home in Denmark to live with my partner in his home country, Japan. We had been living together in a committed relationship for more than one year and had seriously discussed marriage and children, but we agreed to go to Japan together first, for my partner’s new three-year job contract, then return to Denmark to settle down.

However, since we moved to Japan four and half months ago, our relationship has been having problems. It seems that the man I fell in love with in Denmark has transformed into a stranger in Japan. He acts differently, he dresses differently, and I feel he treats me with less love and respect than before. I am not working here and feel completely disempowered by the whole situation. Can you help?


A. Moving to a partner’s home country can be a very daunting experience, and we applaud your courage to try something new in a place that must hold so much history and so many expectations for your Japanese partner.

If you are indecisive about whether to stay in Japan and stay committed to your partner, try some of the following tips to first overcome your feeling of disempowerment and hopefully ease the discomfort of culture shock.

Learn the language. Do you speak Japanese? If not, we recommend you sign up for an intensive language course as soon as possible. Learning the language will give you insight into Japanese culture, help you better understand the behavior of Japanese people and make day-to-day communication much easier. Language skills will also be invaluable if you plan to work in the future; in the meanRelationships time, learning Japanese should provide you with a greater sense of purpose and learning. It could also help you to better understand your partner and where he is coming from.

Get involved. Participation can give you a feeling of belonging and accomplishment. Anything you do to participate in your local or expatriate community, make friends, join hobby classes, and increase your language skills should be a positive step forward in your integration. Finding expats in your same situation can also be a real lifesaver, so especially try to befriend expatriate women like yourself whose partners are Japanese and with whom you could talk through your issues of concern.

Employment opportunities. The loss of a professional life upon expatriation can have a profound impact on your identity and can manifest itself in symptoms similar to culture shock, such as lack of confidence, control and independence. These feelings, while difficult to adjust to, are completely normal.

If you would like to work, find out if it is legally possible for you to work in Japan and speak to as many people as you can about doing so. Spend your time gathering information about the employment situation in Japan and what cultural requirements or differences there may be between applying for a job back home versus applying for a job in Japan. It may not be possible or suitable for you to pursue a job in your profession, so you may need to come to terms with this and take the opportunity to try something new. Is there a hobby or interest you would really like to spend time developing, in the hope that this could be your new source of income? If yes, be courageous and give your new idea a go!

Impact on your relationship. Countless variables will impact your relationship when moving abroad. However, these differences will certainly come as a shock, especially after living together in harmony in Denmark. Different cultures have very different expectations and boundaries pertaining to gender, values and beliefs. Your partner’s role, job and traditional expectations of him might make him behave differently toward you when you are in his home country. When he was living abroad, he had to a djust to a foreign culture, your culture, and was not bound by his own cultural norms. This information is not intended to belittle your feelings in any way, but it is something you need to be aware of: the power of cultural expectations and conformity are important, particularly in a conservative society like Japan’s.

You may also need to take into consideration that your partner may be experiencing reentry shock. He is most likely busy reestablishing himself in his own society, career and corporate culture.He may choose to spend more time at work to accomplish that goal, or he may be required to do so by his new boss. He may also feel guilty for moving you abroad, away from your established career in Denmark. He may respond defensively when you attempt to tell him what you are feeling. Alternatively, he may not even ask how you are doing because he might not want to know the answer for fear of your response.

Whatever the case, it is important to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. As you transition into your new life, talk to your partner about your feelings and expectations for your relationship. Ask him about his feelings and try to find out the answers to difficult questions, such as whether he sees your relationship as long-term anymore.

You need to be understanding of his culture and what that means for him, but he needs to be equally aware and supportive of being part of yours. If you decide to build a life together, why not try to create your own culture that combines Japanese and Danish traditions, food, language, expectations, holidays, and so on?

Have a backup plan. No matter how in love you are, there are numerous hurdles any relationship will face. Regardless of culture or location, not all relationships survive for the long haul, so it is important to have a backup plan. Should the partnership not work out, you will need a plan to get back on your feet financially and emotionally.

Try to keep your job skills current or work on developing new skills to increase your value in the marketplace. If you can legally work in Japan, try to work, even if not in your chosen field — so you will have some degree of financial independence and you will also have some new experience to add to your résumé.