Keeping My Relationship Alive
Dear EW Girlfriend,
We have been very happily married for eight years and have three children: 5 years, 3 years and 10 months. We are currently living and loving life in Singapore, where my husband is working and I am staying home with the children.
Recently, my girlfriends were talking about the decline in intimacy in their relationships with their husbands, since both the arrival of their children and their transfer to Singapore. I feel the same. With my husband working long hours and travelling a lot, then coming home to three children who all want his attention, he and I find it difficult to spend much one-on-one time together. Do you have any tips for parents like us, especially when we are on expatriate postings?
Expat Women Girlfriend:
This is a very good issue you bring up and one that I am sure seeps into every single relationship that is blessed with children. Ask any sleep-deprived parent, knee-deep in tantrums and potty training how their relationship compares to life pre-children and I am confident many would laugh when thinking of the comparison.
However, change does not necessarily always have to be negative. It is how you manage the changes that are important, which can make or break even the strongest relationship. With a bit of understanding, thought and hopefully a bit of fun, you can bring your relationship to the forefront of your life again, even when faced with the added challenges of living abroad. Language and cultural barriers can aggravate, achieving the simplest tasks may require an extra dose of patience, long work hours are par for the course for the employed spouse and loneliness and isolation can affect even the most extroverted accompanying expat. These circumstances will most certainly change the dynamics of any relationship – and need to be managed accordingly.
Re-writing Your Relationship Story
Starting a family, or starting a new life abroad, can be an opportune time to update your relationship – accommodating your new responsibilities and accountabilities. Relationship coaches often call this "re-writing your relationship story". It involves thinking about who you want to be, how you want your relationship to look and what you expect from your relationship, based on your current location and family situation.
This can be really helpful for a previously employed spouse who in their new expatriate posting is not able to work, for example. Their identity, sense of self-worth and new financial dependence will most certainly change their perception of themselves and impact their relationship. Their new relationship story will undoubtedly be different from when they first became a couple and it is important to be aware of this. Nothing stays the same and it cannot be expected to. Arguably, that would be boring!
What Do You Expect from Your Relationship Right Now?
As you know, having children has to be one of the most dramatic changes a relationship will encounter. You are no longer free to come and go as you please, do exactly what you want and when you want to do it. Free time becomes a rare luxury and time together as a couple perhaps even rarer – more so if your children are still waking at night.
Yet, as impossible as it may feel, especially with the current time restraints, you must endeavor to make your relationship a priority too. Children can be energy zapping, demanding and persistent, and can leave even the fittest parent feeling absolutely exhausted at the end of the day. Most days you probably feel like nothing could be more appealing than a hot shower and crawling into bed to fall asleep at the end of every day. This is compounded in an expatriate setting where grandparents and other members of your extended family are unable to help out. The working spouse may travel a lot and be required to entertain in the evenings, putting extra pressure on the stay at home parent – and also limiting the time available to spend as a couple. However, try not to let these additional stresses and strains make time together an impossibility.
Here are some tips to help keep a busy relationship alive:
Firstly, talk. Everyone has needs, which should be voiced. A healthy marriage requires both partners to proactively communicate their relationship concerns, 'expectations and requirements'.
Time for yourself. Before you can make time for each other, it is important to make time for yourselves as individuals, so you can maintain your own strength and sanity. Prioritize your weekend and set aside a bit of time so that you can do simple things for yourself like read the newspaper, write emails, meet with a friend or do some exercise – things that make you feel happy – so you can then make others feel happy.
Acknowledge each other. Do not forget to kiss and cuddle as often as you can. Nothing says, "I am thinking about you (and our relationship)" more than a tangible display of affection. In the midst of the morning chaos to get the children ready for school and your partner out the door for work, it is easy to forget to acknowledge each other and show affection. But everyone wants to feel wanted, loved and cherished – the essential ingredients to keep a relationship alive.
Make time and be realistic. You cannot expect to suddenly clear a whole day to spend together, but start by trying to at least have dinner together alone once or twice a week. You do not need to hire a babysitter necessarily – just spend time together (without the television on) and talk. Make quality, not quantity the priority here.
Date night. While time at home alone is perfectly okay, nothing is more invigorating than a change of scene. Pick a date, hire a babysitter, and book a table at a nice restaurant (or tickets to a sports game, the movies or a concert). This is your time to reconnect, dress up and feel good about yourself without any domestic distractions. If babysitters are difficult to come by in your location, make an agreement with some other families that they will look after your children one afternoon/evening and then you will return the favor next time.
Get away. A weekend away (with or without the children) should refresh the weary and put a little excitement back into the routine of everyday life. Remember, variety is the spice of life!
Final Words
Relationships can stagnate – in any country – with or without the presence of children. They do change and require input, effort and constant nurturing. You need to be proactive. It seems wrong to think of your relationship as a job, but you both need to consciously invest time and energy into it, to keep it moving forward and aligned with where you both want to be in your lives right now.
You would not let your company operate without goals, a vision and regular progress meetings. Relationships are no different. Check in every once and a while, make some plans and check your goals are aligned. If not, take the time to talk about your expectations and rewrite your relationship story for the next chapter of your life. If you find yourself unable to talk, or feel 'stuck', seek out a professional relationship counselor who should be able to help you move forward and be in the relationship you want.
We wish you all the very best.
EW Girlfriend
March 2011
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