Reverse Culture Shock
Extract from book: Expat Women: Confessions
Q.
We have recently moved back to the U.K. from Mumbai, India. My husband is with a large telecommunications company, and we have been away for almost twelve years. We really enjoyed our time away, but now that the children are approaching high school age, we decided it was time to settle down again in the U.K.
However, we are all finding it really difficult to settle back "home." Both my husband and I were born and raised here, and we worked here for several years before venturing abroad. But it just does not feel like home anymore. For our children, who have holidayed here many times but never lived here, it feels even less like home.
We made the move for the good of the family, but so far, this move has not added any good to our family at all. I understand that returning home can produce "reverse culture shock," but do you have any tips for us?
A.
As strange as it seems, the challenge of readjusting to your passport country can sometimes be more stressful than adjusting to a completely foreign culture abroad. Many returning expatriate families go through the same difficult transition that you are experiencing: some adapt relatively quickly, some take a long time to adapt, and some never adapt–opting instead to turn around and go abroad again!
Dashed expectations. Reverse culture shock is typically experienced when the repatriation process does not follow expectations. For example, if you expected your friends and extended family to go out of their way to look after you (just like they did on your home visits), you are in for a rude awakening. People at home typically assume you know how to fit straight into the community again and that you do not need their help and support anymore. Plus, like you, they juggle busy lives with many competing priorities.
If you lived the typical life of a company-transferred family abroad, you most likely socialized with many expatriates in India, who enjoyed listening to your interesting travel stories and always had their own stories to share. Returning home and finding that the conversation focuses more on the weather, renovating the home, and concerns specific to your local area, can come as quite a shock to repatriating families whose conversation interests typically change after living abroad.
This is compounded when others around you cannot understand your "ignorance" about local issues and they are not interested in hearing about your experiences in places they have neither been to nor have any context for. Such a reception can be especially tough on teenagers, who are extremely self-conscious and already sensitive to peer pressure. Your teenagers might feel left out and at odds with their new environment. These are very real emotions and can make repatriation a real challenge.
The truth is that life in your home country is different, the community and culture are different, and most importantly you are different. To adjust to life in a new culture overseas, your perceptions, habits and maybe even your values had to change. Coming home is no different.
Tips for returning families. Transitioning into your new location, successful adaptation into relearning your culture, and the return of happy, smiling family members may take time. Here are some tips to help (some of which you may have already implemented, but they are still good to share here for families planning their own repatriation).
Prepare in advance. Read about and research your new home well before your move. In fact, treat returning home as if you were taking on a new assignment. Give yourself plenty of time to mentally prepare yourself and your family for the eventuality of moving "home." Talk about it for as long as you can before the actual move, which should give family members a chance to come to terms with leaving and what that means for friendships, familiarity and grieving the things they are going to miss. It is important to allow children (and yourselves) time to reflect on their time spent abroad and to say goodbye properly.
Adjust to the idea. Talk positively about your home country and perhaps watch movies about home, eat foods you would eat at home, and talk about what you are going to do when you get home. Creating an enthusiastic mood about the impending move will frame it in a positive light, making the transition appear like a new adventure in itself.
Grieve. Give everyone in the family the space they need to grieve once they have left. Saying goodbye to anything is difficult, but saying goodbye to a place where you have lived for a long time is even more difficult. Rather than sweeping emotions under the carpet, it is better to grieve now and then adapt better in the long term than to hide emotions now but find them resurfacing in a destructive way in years to come.
Be tourists. Take some time when you land back in your home country to travel around and relearn the idiosyncrasies of the "locals." Have a fun and positive family vacation in your "new home" and allow yourselves to be tourists for a while. Doing this as a family is a safe way for each member of the family to slowly come to terms with and adapt to their new culture and environment. Watch television together, read the local newspapers and magazines, and talk about things you observe and/or feel in your "new" home environment.
Be joiners. Once you have settled in a little, join local sports clubs, newcomers or repatriate groups, hobby groups and more. Some cities now have get-togethers for returning expats and/or international social clubs that welcome repatriates. These are a great place to meet like-minded people who can help ease your assimilation into life back home.
Get away. As a family, plan a holiday abroad together in six months or one year's time–so that everyone in the family can both have something fun to look forward to and can retain their international identity in some way.
Share your feelings. Encourage family members to communicate their feelings and frustrations openly and honestly. Give everyone plenty of opportunities to vent their frustrations and to share their discoveries and challenges along the way. Each family member may deal with the transition period differently; some may appear to fit in immediately while others may struggle for quite some time. Make sure each family member feels supported, loved and cherished. Reassure each family member that their feelings are normal.
Making changes. Longing for a previous life is one thing, but one year on, if you find any of you are still experiencing difficulties adapting, it will be time for a more proactive approach.
• How can you inspire your family to "think differently"–to reframe how they are viewing their time back home and to come up with some strategies to improve how they feel?
• If your children are not enjoying school, is there another school to which they would be better suited? Have you tried to find other children at school that might have repatriated and therefore might better understand your children's emotions?
• If you or your husband are working in a role that makes you unhappy, can either of you take a leap of faith and change what you are doing?
• Is the physical set up of your home conducive to good memories and togetherness, or is it isolating each family member into their own little world?
• Would you all be happier if you went to live abroad again? If yes, why? Where would you go and what would you do?
Challenges back home. Repatriation sounds easy, but it is not. There are challenges and hurdles in the repatriation process, just like there are in the expatriation process.
If any family member is genuinely not coping and perhaps showing signs of depression, consider seeking out the help of a professional counselor. This is by no means a negative reflection on the individual family member and should just be seen as another helping hand in the repatriation process.
We hope that with time, your family adapts well and starts to love living at "home." Or alternatively, if you want to be expatriates again, we hope the universe conspires to extend you another amazing expat adventure abroad! |
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