Expat Parenting:
Adjusting To Family Life Abroad
Dhyan Summers, MA, LMFT
How does parenting as an expat differ from parenting at home? Just as the three rules of real estate are location, location and location, the three rules of parenting abroad should still be love, love and love. We may differ widely as to how we express that love, depending upon our personalities and how love was expressed to us as children. And even within the same family, some children seem to need "tough love" while others need lots of snuggle time. But all children need to feel loved and I believe a primary task of parenting is to let children know they are loveable.
When parenting as an expat in a foreign country, and particularly in a third world country, I would add another three rules of parenting: support, support and more support; first for ourselves as parents, and secondly for our families. Just like the airline attendant's monotonous speech about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping your child or someone else, in your day-to-day world, if you cannot breathe, how can you help your child or anyone else.
Support Network
One of the primary ways that parenting as an expat is different from parenting at home, at least initially, is the lack of our usual support network of family and close friends. And if we are a non-working spouse, we may also lack the emotional support of our partner, who is frequently up to his or her eyeballs in new challenges and responsibilities, and just does not have much left to give at the end of the day.
So, finding ways to get the support we need as parents is a primary concern for expats. Fortunately, in most major cities around the world there are organizations in place that help expats, particularly expat women find support. In some locations, we may also find that we have more time on our hands (if we have capable domestic help at home).
I would urge stay-at-home expat parents to find something to do that you feel passionate about. It may be something that you have done before or something totally new that you would like to explore. If you think back and remember a time when you were doing something that felt like a few minutes, and when you looked at the clock an hour had passed, that was probably something you felt passionate about. It may be learning something new, like the local language, yoga, volunteering at an NGO, or your child's school. Just try to make it an activity that involves others, as this is a wonderful way to bond and begin to build a new support network abroad.
As suggested earlier, if your spouse is feeling depleted, stressed and overworked, he or she is not going to have much to 'give' and it is not reasonable to expect them to meet all of your emotional needs. Even more reason to start to build up a support system outside your home. And the same is true for the working parent. If he or she comes home at the end of the day and expects their partner to be a supportive shoulder to lean on, this may be met with some unexpected results if the stay-at-home parent has been giving support all day and not getting their own needs for support met.
Your Children
Children may also miss the working parent who they may have enjoyed a close relationship with in the past. They may be confused and angry that they have so little time with their father or mother. It is important to really listen to your child's feelings without trying to talk over them.
So allow your children to have their feelings and teach them how to express their feelings in a safe way. If a child is angry, for example, research has shown that speeding up or slowing down activity can be effective tools. For example, you can suggest that your child run and up and down the stairs counting to 100 forward and backward depending on her age. Any repetitive activity that increases heart rate, while at the same time giving the mind something to occupy itself with other than anger, will usually work. Slowing down activity consists of slow breathing, with your child repeatedly counting four complete breaths, an inhale and an exhale to the count of one, and so on. You can also have your child lie down holding a pillow. As they inhale, have them squeeze the pillow as tightly as they can, count to three, and exhale slowly. The next time your child is angry, give these tools a try, because they can work.
At the same time, it is important to offer reassurance to your children that they are deeply loved by both parents. If possible, try to plan one family event each week, such as a dinner or Sunday brunch together. Ideally, children should also be able to have some alone time with each parent whenever practical.
Additional Issues
An aspect of parenting that tends to arise in third world countries is the need to explain a wide variety of topics and customs that are new to you and your children. Issues such as your own and your children's relationship to domestic staff and poverty are two of the most obvious ones (in applicable locations).
Domestic Help
Most Westerners have never dealt with the issues that having domestic staff brings up, except perhaps for a weekly cleaning person. This is a far cry from having someone who is not a member of your family in your home day in and day out. Concepts of privacy and boundaries that we take for granted are truly culture-bound, and many people in third world countries do not follow our concepts of privacy and boundaries. This is an area in which we can learn from fellow expats about what has and has not worked for them.
How you speak with and relate to your domestic helpers also sets the tone for how your children will behave. Sadly, I have heard adolescents ordering staff around in condescending ways and I do not recommend this behaviour at all. Having domestic help is actually a good opportunity to impress upon your children how important it is to treat all people with dignity and respect. As a parent, it is important that you set an example, as we all know how much children mirror our behavior.
Another issue that might arise in your home abroad is the situation where a young child bonds quickly to a nanny or caregiver and leaves parents feeling jealous that their children seem to relate better to their domestic helper than to themselves. This is typically a perfectly natural bonding that does not in any way seek to replace the loving and unique relationship your child has with you. However, if you have doubts or believe there are other factors at play, be open to exploring this honestly with a new friend, spouse or therapist.
Poverty
Let me say a word about poverty in third world countries: This is an entire topic in itself and one that expat kids have many questions about, particularly when it involves (adult and child) beggars. Children have a variety of responses to this, depending upon their age and ability to cognize information. Most importantly, they need to know that everyone is to be treated with the same kind of respect, regardless of who they are. If they want to help, and are old enough, you might want to suggest ways they you can volunteer together to help children, or they can become involved with a volunteer project at school. Treating this issue as a learning moment about basic human dignity will be doing your child a lifelong service.
Outdoor Activity
A challenge that arises in some cities is that outdoor activities are curtailed for some of the year due to unbearable heat or freezing cold temperatures.If you have young children who love to play outside, this can become a problem for children and parents alike. Arranging play dates whenever possible is a partial solution. Proactively seeking out other sports and play opportunities, perhaps on the recommendations of other expats, can also help.
Final Words
There are many more potential issues you might encounter if you are raising children abroad, but if you keep in mind the three rules of expat parenting – support, support and more support, you will hopefully find that adjusting to family life abroad can indeed be a rewarding and enjoyable experience both for you and for your children. |
