How replacing sporadic, unfocused days with personally significant routines and rituals can connect us internally and externally and make a real difference in our expat lives.
We all know how important rest and recreation are as expats. Yet we often underestimate the importance of the other two R's: rituals and routines. As an expat, you probably visibly gag at the thought of routines - after all, isn't that why you are where you are and not at home doing what you always did?
As much as Sunday dinner at your in-laws used to drive you mad, part of you may still crave that ritual, or those like it, which were rituals and routines that helped define you.
So many expats seem to "fritter away the hours in an offhand way" as some Pink Floyd singer crooned all those years ago. With technology so easily accessible now, career women, professionals, homemakers young and old can find themselves glued to the computer screen for hours, still in their dressing gown at lunchtime. Then when their partner gets home from work and asks "What did you do today?" they often realize that the answer truly is "nothing much".
The less you have to do, the less you tend to do. Perhaps you cannot even imagine how you previously fit so much into your days back home. The old saying "If you want something done, then give it to a busy person," has much truth to it.
'Sarah', a former full-time teacher, mother, server on countless committees and generally busy person back home, described her new life as an expat "as a big empty void" that she filled with, well, nothing much. The resulting loss of motivation and reduced concentration can in turn, make it even more difficult to get out of the ruts we find ourselves in.
We are often blissfully unaware of how our purposeful and even disliked rituals gave us an identity and a reason to get up every day and integrate in the community. With each relocation, we are faced with those long days that used to contain what seemed like so few hours. We have to proactively recreate new exercise, email, cooking, social, shopping, learning and family routines, given the different weather, cultural, retail and Internet access opportunities those locations offer.
Creating Rituals And Routines
Creating rituals and routines that connect us to our inner selves, our physical bodies, our social networks and our new communities happen, one at a time.
If any of this is all too familiar, be gentle with yourself as you are in good and plentiful company.
Dr Richard Morhaime's theory on the need for structure in expat life describes how, back home, we typically spent 40 - 80 percent of our lives involved in productive activities (work, social, learning, household and child-related pursuits). As expats, we can spend this amount of time in leisure pursuits, the novelty of which quickly wears off.
The rituals and routines we create may include work-related ones, but many of us are unable to work in the locations we move to, so we need to find other ways to establish routines - find a middle ground between productive activities and total rest and recreation. This middle ground should ideally contain active leisure pursuits that engage our minds and our bodies in meaningful activities.
A common catch-cry of an expat is "I would love to join/start/begin/enrol in a class/activity/course/program/job/volunteer program, but I am not here for very long, so why bother getting started?"
We have probably all said it and it is true - however, if we continue in this vein, we are putting our lives on hold in some kind of limbo land. We become the reclusive Miss Haversham of Great Expectations fame.
Tips For Creating Rituals And Routines
A structured day that includes planned, purposeful events yet allows for some spontaneity and play, is missing from so many expat lives. Aimless days are often a reflection of what lies deeper - the lack of career, overwhelm, not knowing where to start and even the sheer numbers of hours in the day that scream to be filled. Yet carefully fill them we must.
Here are some tips for creating rituals and routines abroad, that have the added advantage of being portable and transferable - just like you!
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Always include doing something you love, lots of things you like and things you need to do.
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If you have obligations that must be done - do them as early as you can in the morning or they could sabotage your day.
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Exercise consistently - and with a friend, if you need help to stick to your routine. The earlier you exercise, the better you set up your metabolism for the day.
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Join a class or an activity series that you are excited about - and have to pay for. Paying is investing and we are more likely to do something we are invested in.
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Replace 'should's' with wants - they make you feel unnecessarily guilty when you do not do them.
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Clean or tidy the house routinely - for a fixed amount of time each day.
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Connect to friends or family in some way, every day - do not miss this step.
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Set aside a specific amount of time on the Internet - for email and for web surfing. Then turn off the computer when you are done.
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Read something made of paper every day - to make sure you are not glued to your computer.
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Replace TV with music or board games once a week.
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Find real or cyber ways to learn about something new over a period of time - and commit to it.
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Call your mother/best friend/sister at least once a week.
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Plan non-negotiable date nights with your partner - take turns planning the evening's activities.
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Plan something to look forward to for next week - and every one thereafter.
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Read something in bed on a Sunday morning.
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Keep passive leisure activities (the brain-numbing kind) to a minimum.
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Avoid negative comparisons - to home, past times, other friendships and previous locations. These can drag our motivation and attitude in the wrong direction.
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Do something that scares you just a little every day - and keep a journal of your successes.
Getting Started
Dr Morhaime believes we can develop our happiness muscles by training ourselves in the skills of being happy. Practicing self-acceptance, becoming aware of and detaching from our recurrent negative thoughts, and catching and stopping us from making negative comparisons can change our perspective and increase our happiness.
Carefully crafted, meaningful, purposeful activities can save us from ourselves - literally. Make today a memorable day and start a new routine or ritual that will sustain you today, and everyday.
Marie Brice is an expat life coach from New Zealand who has lived in 5 countries and worked, played and/or traveled in 22 others. Marie worked as a global communications coordinator for an expatriate spouse support organization helping 7,000 spouses in 120 global locations. She has also trained teachers in India and taught ESL in Malaysia. She currently lives in Houston where she developed Empowering Expat Women Workshops and the soon to be launched ExpaTView online panel interview series with Renee Lederman, aimed at knowing and growing expat women. You can read more about Marie at http://www.greatexpatations.wordpress.com: 365 Tips for Rising Above a Life Interrupted.
