Living in a Global Village: How Do Expat Women Cope with Life Abroad?
Riana Schreuders-van den Bergh
When I first arrived in the Netherlands, I felt as if my life had come to an end. I had no job, no friends and no social support system. I missed my family back home terribly and had no idea who I was anymore. Joining up with other expat women did not seem to help me either – they all seemed so happy and in control of their lives, whereas I felt like the sun would never shine again.
One day, in a moment of pure desperation and hopelessness, I shared with an expat girlfriend how lost and misplaced I felt in this country. To my surprise, she shared that she had exactly the same feelings! I started digging a bit deeper, only to find out that many more of my friends were experiencing exactly the same feelings of isolation, identity crisis and culture shock.
You Are Not Alone
As women, we tend to place extremely high demands on ourselves. We strive to be supportive partners, model mothers, perfect housewives, involved in our children's schools, great contributors to the community, successful career women, and, find time to stay fit and pursue our hobbies. We look at other women and wonder why they seem so in control, when we feel as if we are dropping some of the balls we are juggling and just not making the mark.
Living in another country and adapting to its sometimes strange and unintelligible ways of doing things is not a simple task. On the surface, it is pretty easy for most women to act as if they are coping with the challenges of day-to-day life. However, underneath, many of us are struggling – we just usually try not to let it show.
Whether you live in the middle of nowhere or in large, bustling city, culture shock is something that many expatriate women face. But instead of sharing our feelings and getting support from our international sisters who have been through the process, we sometimes fall into the trap of believing that it is just us – and we often suffer in silence.
I have been interviewing a number of expat women from various walks of life over the past year. In the stories I have heard, a common theme emerged: we are growing and reinventing ourselves like little isolated islands, many times not realizing that women around us are experiencing similar challenges. Being overwhelmed with so many choices to make can impact our willingness and ability to adapt to different cultures. Some of us may feel that we should give up our own cultures and values completely to become part of our new culture. Unfortunately, culture and values are so deeply embedded in the way we think and do things, that people who pursue this strategy; will almost always remain a bit clumsy in terms of the finer nuances of another culture. Apart from being received with a level of suspicion by the locals, this approach is likely to increase your feelings of misplacement and loss of identity.
We tend to forget that we also have a choice in how we want to adapt to different cultures. In this global village, it is inevitable that many of us will move once, twice or many more times in our lives. It is perfectly fine to want to maintain your own cultural identity and to preserve those core values that you find important. After five years in Holland, an English expat that I know was told by her Dutch counterparts that she was 'far too polite'. In a moment of sheer frustration, she responded "I'm sorry, but this is who I am, and I will not change it". By setting her boundaries, she was able to earn the respect of the Dutch people around her.
In order to become true members of the global village, we need to develop our Cultural Intelligence (CQ). This means that we need to challenge our own existing basic assumptions and values; find ways of integrating those values of other cultures which we find useful into our own value systems; and be clear about which values we choose to retain (setting clear boundaries). We also need to find motivation in ourselves to step out in the big wide world and experiment with what we have learnt. We need to go through the growing pains of making embarrassing mistakes and learn from them. Being brave enough to try to speak another language for example, despite the fact that the words are all twisted, is essential for mastering the language. We all have barriers that cause us to rebel, feel embarrassed or decline from trying out new things (for example riding a bike for the first time at the age of 40!). But building our CQ means that we try, despite the possibility of failure... because at the end of the day, the rewards we reap are priceless.
What Would You Do Differently?
Despite the challenges of living abroad, none of the women that I know would have chosen a different path if they had had their time again. This is confirmation to me that however painful this process of growth and learning may be, part of the adventure is the challenge – and part of the beauty is the discovery.
I wish you all the very best with your expat journey.
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." Maya Angelou
Riana Schreuders-van den Bergh is a South African expat living in the Netherlands. She is currently writing her PhD on the intercultural adjustment experiences of women expatriates in Holland and around the world. Her mission is to give a voice to women in the international arena.
Riana is also an intercultural trainer and available for workshops and keynote speeches. For more information about her research please visit: http://www.expatlady.webs.com |
