How To Beat The Expat End-Of-Summer Blues
Dhyan Summers, MA, Licensed Psychotherapist
For many expats, the end of summer and beginning of the school yearis a particularly poignant and difficult time as we are frequently returning from time spent in our home countries with family and close friends. When we return to our host country, it is not uncommon to find ourselves feeling depressed, lonely and a little out of sorts.
How to realign ourselves and make the most of the coming year can be a challenge when we are already feeling a bit lackluster. The following are some tips for regaining equilibrium and moving from end-of-summer depression to full engagement with our lives.
Tip 1: Ask What Matters Most To You And What You Are Missing
Ask yourself what really matters most to you at this time. Is it your relationship with your spouse and/or children? Having friends to confide in? Becoming involved in something that is truly meaningful to you? What would you like more of in your life?
This may involve taking an inventory that you are not feeling quite up to making. You may think that some questions are better left unasked, particularly if they reveal what is lacking in your life. But acknowledgment of the problem is always the first step toward solving it, so be courageous.
If you try to keep negative feelings down, they fester, just like a sore that is covered up with a band-aid. But if you expose them into the light of day and clean them out, the natural healing process begins, just as it does with the body.
Tip 2: Take One Concrete Step
Pick the area of your life that matters most to you right now. Then take one concrete step toward getting more of what you want in this area. It doesnot matter how small the step is. What is important is to do it. If there are several areas where you would like to see improvement, then prioritize them and take one small step toward realizing each goal.
Tip 3: Look At The Limiting Beliefs That May Be Getting In The Way
Limiting beliefs are those things we tell ourselves about ourselves, usually negative, that get in the way of acting on our own behalf.
Recently Lauren, a 34-year-old expat mother, came to see me because she was feeling isolated, lonely and worried about depression because she had a history of depression in her family. I asked her if she had a support network here and she said no. When we began to look at the issue more closely, she told me that she had recently met a woman at an event that she liked but couldnot bring herself to call and suggest getting together.
When I asked what feelings came up when she thought about callingthis woman, she said fear and anxiety. As thoughts always precede feelings, I asked her what she was telling herself about herself when she felt the fear. She thought about it and said that she didn't think this woman would like her. When I asked why not, she said that she did not feel she was good company because she was not particularly clever and funny.
So now we had her limiting belief: The potential friend wouldnot like her because she wasnot clever and funny enough. I then had her say, "I tell myself that she will notlike me because I am not clever and funny." This creates some distance between the belief and the truth. If it is just something that I am telling myself, then I can tell myself something else instead.
Tip 4: Ask What Is Really True In This Situation
Often I find that most of us are more comfortable holding on to a negative belief than we are with being in the unknown, as crazy as this sounds.
In Lauren's case, the truth was thatshe realized that she didnot know whether this woman would like her or not, but because her mother had always told her she was not clever and funny – she believed it!
Tip 5: Take Another Concrete Step Forward
The next week Lauren came back to see me and reported that she had called her new friend, in spite of her fear, they had met for coffee and she was feeling more courage about reaching out than she ever had before. It had been illuminating for her to recognize that her limiting belief was simply a belief and nothing more.
Tip 6: Act In The Face Of Fear
I am reminded of a recent research study done with multi-millionaires. The researchers asked their subjects a range of questions regarding their thoughts, feelings and actions. They then administered the same questionnaire to a control group of random people.
One fascinating finding was that both groups reported the same amount of fear in the face of risk taking behavior. The difference between the two groups was that the multi-millionaires didnot let fear keep them from taking action where the control group did. For the multi-millionaires, fear was something they took for granted when taking a risk; it didnot occur to them to allow their fear to prevent them from acting.
It is normal to feel fear in the face of taking a risk and trying something new. Everyone feels it. However, as this summer ends, use this milestone as a time for new beginnings and make a decision to fully engage in your life, despite your fears.
Identify what you want, see if there are any limiting beliefs getting in the way and if so, identify them as simply beliefs instead of truth. Then take a risk and some small stepsforward toward getting what you want.
Let the games begin! |
