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ExpatWomen Confession:
Dear New EW Girlfriend,
I am an adult TCK (Third Culture Kid). I have spent my life in Papua New Guinea, China, the US and am now in the Middle East. My country of birth, New Zealand, is actually the country in which I have spent the least time. Recently I lived there in New Zealand for four years. This turned out to be my most difficult posting: difficult to fit in, to feel accepted, to understand the millions of rules both written and unwritten. I think it is easier to just stay abroad. Luckily for me, I am abroad again, working in the Middle East. However, I am already starting to worry where I will be after this posting finishes. If it is my passport country, will I ever be happy living there?
BR
ExpatWomen Girlfriend:
Dear BR,
Take heart, the doubts that you have are quite common amongst TCKs. A feeling of not knowing where to belong, especially when you are spending time in your passport country – which feels anything but familiar. Because you have been brought up in another culture or several cultures, you may feel no real ownership in any one country – and being 'home' may make you feel more of an outsider than ever, especially if your day-to-day interactions do not involve other like-minded TCKs or repatriates who can share your experiences and give you a sense of 'community' at your home base. As a result, you may tend to cope rather than adjust, become "a part of" and "apart from" any situation.
Every culture has millions of rules, both written and unwritten. But when you lived in these other countries, you did not look like the dominant culture, or at least sound like it when you began to speak. When it is obvious you are a foreigner, no one is expecting you to be 'the same'. You can be oblivious to many cultural expectations because no one blames you for not knowing or doing them. The problem when TCKs settle in their passport culture is that generally they physically look and sound like others in the dominant culture around them and when TCKs "mess up" a cultural rule or unspoken or even unconscious expectation of others around, no grace is given as would be given someone in the same situation who had obviously come from a different place. That is why Norma McCaig coined the term "hidden Immigrants" to describe this experience.
Most TCKs build relationships to all of the cultures in which they have lived, while not having full ownership of any. The good news is, however, that while you may not feel you completely fit in in your defined "home country", there is a place that you do belong. Because culture is something shared, not an individualistic thing, the "third culture" is actually a place where its members historically experience the commonalities of a cross-cultural lifestyle, high mobility and expected repatriation at the very least. That means others also understand what it is like learning and adapting to multiple cultures not by textbook instruction only but by life itself. It is a way of life understood by all who have known the countless goodbyes inherent in a world where people coming and going is the normal way of life. Because of this, TCKs commonly feel a sense of belonging more in relationship to others of a similar background, than to a particular culture or country. In other words, regardless of nationality, TCKs (like many other subcultures) tend to have more in common with one another, than they do with the general population in any place that they have lived.
If you do not already, I strongly encourage you to maintain as many links with your TCK friends as possible. These days, with the help of the internet, and especially blogs (which tend to allow for very open and honest expressions of how people are feeling in their everyday lives), connecting with other TCKs is arguably easier than ever. There is a growing number of online resources to help TCKs transition 'home' and to keep TCKs connected and feel a sense of 'community'. If you have not already, I encourage you to seek these out and proactively get involved. I also recommend David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken's book Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds, first published in 1999 and renowned as an authoritative book on this subject.
Another great way to stay connected with like-minded people is to work abroad. You seem to have chosen a career that allows you to live overseas, which is great, as this can also help TCKs like yourself to feel like they 'belong' somewhere – the 'somewhere' being 'within a group of expatriates', rather than in a particular country.
Maybe another question to ask yourself is... where do you want to live? If after much effort, you decide that you really do feel like a fish out of water in your passport country, do you really need to live there? You have the whole world in your hands and you can choose (to a certain degree) where you decide to settle eventually, it does not have to be your passport country. Sometimes TCKs and long-term expatriates need to give themselves permission to not return 'home' if they really do not want to be there. Seriously consider where you would like to live – and take control of your destiny as much as you can. If coming 'home' just never seems right for you, no matter how hard you try, I encourage you to re-think where 'home' should be.
Basically, your home is the world, it is not related to a geographical location per se. The saying 'home is where the heart is' would apply to some degree in your situation. Because of your varied experiences, you can see life in terms greater than one cultural boundary and can explain and express yourself in more than one culture. Your fears of never being able to fit into your passport country might be accurate, but then again, you choose a career that allows you to travel and live overseas, so why not keep living the life you have enjoyed leading all those previous years.
If you do decide to live/settle in your home country, your transcultural identity and flexible mind will help you to cope, even if it is in your passport country. You have adjusted many times before, you could try to view your passport country posting as another cross-cultural experience. You have proved to be culturally accepting, why not try this on your home country? Find other TCKs that live in your home country and hook up with them. Share your feelings and you might be amazed at how many others there are out there facing the same issues. Start your own TCK or repatriate network – others have and have found it to be very cathartic and empowering.
But remember, choosing only one type of friend is never a healthy option for anyone. Befriend many types of people, learn from them, enjoy them and give generously to them. There are many non-TCKs out there also waiting for your hand in friendship. You have some unique skills and some great advantages coming from your global past, so I encourage you to use them – in whatever you do – and with whomever you meet.
New ExpatWomen Girlfriend
May 2008
Our New ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from The Netherlands. She has lived as an Expat Woman in India, Canada, Indonesia, Chile and Thailand – where she is currently a 'trailing spouse' to a husband of a different nationality to hers. She is a mother of two children, born in Asia, that have dual nationalities. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in European Communications (Marketing) and she has recently graduated from her Master of Science degree in Counselling Psychology. She works in a private mental health clinic, plus counsels expatriate women
Thanks also go to TCK guru for editing and providing advice on our New ExpatWomen Girlfriend's response.
Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now. |
