ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

I am always feeling guilty that my exciting life abroad does not seem to have room in it to help care for my ageing parents back ‘home’. Can you please help me reconcile this sense of guilt, and also provide me with some tips on how to manage this situation successfully?

MV

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear MV

Living on the opposite side of the world from aging parents comes with some unique issues and dynamics for long-distance family members. Although you are not involved in the day-to-day care of your parents, you may still be actively involved as a caregiver. You may take on the role of planning and managing of your parents’ care and providing emotional support. In some cases, you may even be the primary caregiver if there is no other family member closer to home. One option is to hire a geriatric case manager to take over the hands-on responsibilities. In my family, my siblings and I are each responsible for a part of our parents’ affairs (for example, finance, medical, legal etc). This helps some of the resentment siblings may have for you living overseas and not being involved on a daily basis. At least it looks and feels like you are contributing.

When you travel home during your holiday or home leave, you face the stress and guilt of neglecting your responsibilities to your spouse and children. Talking about this with your husband and children helps to clarify the situation and creates a more understanding atmosphere. In the event that a parent is in a terminal situation, you face the decision and timing of getting home to say their goodbyes. This can have an impact on the overall grieving process. In reality, the greater the distance between adult children and their aging parents, the greater the challenges become for both. The task of developing and managing care is more complex. Emotional responses are also more intense. It will be most beneficial for adult children to become aware of the special emotions and responsibilities they will confront in this role. When you are more knowledgeable about the dynamics of this role, you will be better prepared to maintain strong positive relationships and open communication with your aging parents. Although there are no easy answers to the questions arising about aging parents when you live far away, knowing what to expect can help you give some forethought to what you might do. It will be worth the time taken, if there is an emergency.  Try to talk with your elderly parents gently and honestly about their wishes, their abilities and their options.  If this kind of conversation seems impossible or the situation and relationship with the elderly parent(s) become overwhelming, professional counselling may be very helpful.

Regular communication (Skype or other online methods are affordable and relatively easy to use) helps a lot. Let your parents know how you’re doing often and find out about them too. When living overseas, you have to keep in mind that it might also be necessary to go home more often, in certain circumstances.

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
May 2007 

Our New ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from The Netherlands. She has lived as an Expat Woman in India, Canada, Indonesia, Chile and Thailand – where she is currently a ‘trailing spouse’ to a husband of a different nationality to hers. She is a mother of two children, born in Asia, that have dual nationalities. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in European Communications (Marketing) and she will soon graduate from her Master of Science degree in Counselling Psychology. She works in a private mental health clinic, plus counsels expatriate women.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalisations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counselling/therapy If you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.