Ciao! I just moved to Italy a year ago and have started to meet people. I am married to an Italian citizen and am getting over my culture shock, my rollercoaster emotions and I am finally settling in. I met a woman (also married to an Italian) at a common expat meet up as soon as I arrived and it was so great to have someone to share my feelings with and who understood what I was going through. I invited her to my wedding and it's been down hill ever since. She complained to every American guest about how horrible her life is and how I have been depressed and that I am really going to suffer when the excitement of my wedding is over. I was completely offended and shocked when my friends and family asked "who was that girl?" She was also the only guest who came to the wedding and didn't buy us a gift. It’s true that I was feeling down when I met her and poured my heart and soul out to her. But I am adjusting, I am learning the language, I am starting to drive like the locals and I have finally got my work permit! I am out of the fog, yet two years later and she is still rude, miserable and she does not even make an effort to speak Italian. Any suggestions on how to politely rid my life of this negative person, yet still cope when I see her in social situations? As you know, expat communities are very small. This is like a Tele-novela that I didn't sign up for... Help!

RB


New ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear RB,

It goes without saying that friendships are a vital part of human existence. We need friends to feel connected, and create that all-important sense of belonging. It is not until we are removed from our existing friendships and social support network, that we realise how lonely, vulnerable and insecure we can feel. For an expatriate moving to a new country, that sense of not belonging is one of the most obvious and often painful adjustments, and something that most expatriates try to rectify as soon as possible. It is this very reason that expats tend to quickly befriend others to help alleviate the stress of the move and unknown territory and to recreate that sense of security and belonging.

As a new person in town, it is impossible to immediately ‘know’ the people you are meeting (so don’t feel guilty) and the feelings of insecurity, loneliness and vulnerability tend to take charge resulting in over eagerness to befriend the first person that seems nice and talks to you. Interestingly, a recent study by Pennsylvania State University revealed men and women react differently to stress in a social context. Men have a tendency to either go off by themselves or engage in a highly competitive sport with other men while women seek each other out and commiserate, either engaging in a group project or a discussion together. So, women automatically seek out other women to find comfort and solace which is perhaps why the expat coffee mornings are such a success?!

It could be due to this innate need to have friends that expat relationships have the tendency to become extremely familiar and intense in a very short period of time. You are not the only woman who has confessed to pouring her heart and soul out to a virtual stranger in this type of situation. The mere commonality of being a foreigner in a community can provide a platform for instant friendship, an immediate connection to others and let’s face it, no-one can understand the rollercoaster of mixed emotions that you are experiencing like another expat woman.

However, I think what can happen in these quickly-formed expat ‘friendships’ is that eventually one person outgrows or emotionally exceeds the other. Most newcomers will start to make an effort to get involved in their community and new culture and make a life for themselves just as you have done. They start to get established and once they regain their confidence and feel comfortable in their new environment, they find that they may not need the same type of support a particular acquaintance gave at the beginning. This can be difficult to comprehend for the other person – they may feel jealous of your ability to ‘move on’, settle and create a life for yourself, they may feel worthless and used now that you have moved on and appear happy within your own skin in your new environment. It may also draw unwanted attention to the fact that the other person is not coping so well, is not interacting or moving forward with her life and this may come as a rude awakening. I think you will find your ‘friend’ is envious of you and what you have become in Italy. The only way she knows how to make herself feel better is to belittle, shock and/or offend you.

So what next? It sounds like you would be better off without her negativity dragging you down. Friendships are supposed to be supportive, friendly and fun, not a competition or a negative experience. In the past, it may have been a one-sided relationship, with you pouring your heart out and her gaining ‘power’ from your distress. Now that your distress has gone….more power to you! I

How to sever ties? You are correct in recognising the need to not burn too many bridges in an expat community where the group tends to be small, close-knit and everybody knows everybody else’s business. I would suggest you be the bigger person and remain the consummate professional by not bad-mouthing her in public, making a show of her behaviour or ignoring her at social events. Have you tried just limiting contact with her and petering off to the point of no contact? Most likely that you have, as I think you know what to do and have been doing it… you probably just wish there was a magic fix to take away the pain, which unfortunately there is not. As time passes, the strength of your feelings towards her will dwindle and most likely, given that you are both expats, one of you will probably move on to another location.

I really admire the way you have taken charge of your situation (in terms of your language skills, driving and work permit) and are making a go of it – congratulations and all the very best for your future!

New ExpatWomen Girlfriend
September 2008 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.