ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

Hi. I recently saw a TV programme called 'Bride-Zilla'. It's about brides-to-be that become out of control and obsessed with planning their wedding, to the point of over-looking the whole meaning of the celebration and who are basically just extremely unpleasant to be around! I am addicted to watching the programme and the more I do, the more I see myself in some of the characters: demanding; controlling; and over-protective. My fiancée is less than impressed with the gusto to which I've taken this project on and I feel like he's withdrawing from the wedding. Help, I'm an unemployed fiancée that followed my husband to be here and I'm paranoid that I'm turning into an expat Bride-Zilla!

JB

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear JB

Hey bride-to-be, thanks for your email. First of all congratulations on your up-and-coming marriage – it's an exciting time!

Yes, I do know the TV programme you are talking about and am also familiar with the Bride-Zilla concept. However, in the expat world this ailment could just as easily be labelled the Trailing-Spouse Syndrome. Whether it's planning a wedding, a holiday or dinner at home, previously rational sensible mature women have been known to come down with the unsightly symptoms of Bride-Zilla-ness.

I would like to be a bit presumptuous if I may and assume that you are relatively new in your current location and/or you are unable to work? Perhaps this is your first time living together abroad? In your past life, you were probably employed (read: occupied and financially independent), well-liked and very successful in your job (read: praised often, felt significant and loved the feeling of a sense of achievement) and I'll assume, you felt much more in control of your life. As you wake up this morning in your current location, things look very different: there is no job, no (or not the same) sense of independence, at times a feeling of no control or sense of achievement... but you have a lot of time on your hands. In an attempt to fill these gaps and create a life for yourself, you have chosen to throw your entire being into your wedding. If this is the case, you're right, you need to see the dangers of this and address them now, because if you spend every living, breathing day on planning your wedding, you will get a rude awakening once you are married and have nothing else to fill your day. (I suspect you know this. Hang in there. There is hope!)

Two suggestions: Firstly, plan a time to sit down with your darling man and explain your situation – how you are feeling and why your wedding has taken on such importance. I would also give him permission to rein you in on occasion if you are behaving irrationally or at the detriment of your wedding/relationship. Negotiate the big picture and stick with it. You can still be busy and feel productive with wedding items you both agree on even if you aren't orchestrating a petal bomb from the sky or flying in rare African flamingos for the 'wedding of the year'.

Secondly, I suggest you get a pen and paper right now and write a list of things you would like to do with your spare time – anything and a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y everything, write them all down. Now go back through the list and pick five that you would really like to try your hand at. From this very moment, put aside two or three mornings a week figuring out how you can go about achieving these goals (eg. find out about higher education in your country, go online and see if there are options there, call all the relevant sports clubs and see if they offer that sky-diving course, ring restaurants and enquire if they do cooking classes or would hire/train you as a kitchen hand (if that's your interest), volunteer for a cause that is near and dear to your heart, check into the possibilities of starting your own business, or any other idea that comes to mind). The point is to bring back that sense of achievement, control and being occupied with something that matters to you. Something that makes YOU feel significant in your own right. Something that brings YOU a sense of achievement. You have the power (and luxury!) to make some of these dreams come true....in addition to planning the perfect wedding that both you AND your partner want.

As one new bride to another, I can offer you this tip – don't lose sight of what a wedding really celebrates: who it's really about and the beginning of the journey that it marks. And as one expat spouse to another, I can guarantee you the following – you will have days where you feel incredibly strong and independent and can conquer the world, and you will have others where you just want to hide under the bedcovers and wonder what the heck am I doing here. Learn to use the good days to in fact conquer the world and view the latter as bonus days just for you to self indulge, reflect and re-evaluate. I hope this helps and I wish you a wonderful wedding and an even better after-life!

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
November 2007 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.