ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

I cannot unplug. I just feel too guilty when I go on vacation not to check my email every day and call into the office at least every other day. I am the one who brought my husband and children here to Amsterdam and I do not want to risk having the office say she is slacking off—even if it is vacation—and getting fired. Help!

VT

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear VT

I understand your feeling of not being able to let go. Being a female expatriate with probably quite a few responsibilities at work, you feel the pressure both at work and of making sure your family is ok. This work-life balance is currently a much-heated topic, especially for female expatriates.

Women in senior positions often fulfill multiple roles; they are the breadwinners, but at the same time, I would say that women are more likely to consider and stress over the implications of their decisions for the rest of the family.  Whether living at home or a new country, women tend to take greater responsibility for the care of their family, regardless of whether they work outside the home or not, or how senior they are. I do not know many women who can seem to let go of this sense of responsibility, just because they hold senior positions at work.  Plus, women tend to be the ones who notice and worry how people in the family are getting along, how each family member is feeling; who is excited about the new move and who is angry, and who just wants to pack up and go back home.

Try not to worry unnecessarily.  Getting fired is unusual after having been sent abroad.  Expatriate relocations are a fairly expensive undertaking and I am sure that were chosen by your company because they believe in you and are confident that you are capable to do your job.

Under normal circumstances, this does not mean that it’s expected of you to be on call for 24/7. That would not be fair, and would eventually lead to you having a burnout. Maybe the emotional toll of your move, plus your new work challenges have started to eat into your confidence. 

Employer-sponsored expats are typically dedicated, career-minded individuals who are inclined to put in long hours. However, all work and no play can cause breakdowns, and that’s not what you’d want. Not for you, your work or for your family. Being in touch all the time with your company is not going to make you more effective, you’ll be distracted while you’re supposed to recuperate and rest and thus you’ll not be rested fully upon return from your vacation.  Taking your laptop on holiday, is it really necessary? Make sure you hand over your work to your assistant or co-worker before you go on leave, and inform your superior. You can let them know how to reach you in case of emergency.  If you’re disciplined enough to leave your laptop at home when you go away with your family, but you still take your Blackberry/PDA, remember that you can usually turn off the email alerts – and even turn the phone off altogether.  Set yourself parameters and only turn your phone on in the timeslot you’ve set as your goal.  These days, it’s too easy to be a slave to technology for what is often no good reason at all... and family vacations would usually be the best example of the ‘no good reason’ time segment.

Also, I strongly advise you to communicate with your spouse about what your feelings are, your concerns and what you’re going through. Research points out that the working partner doesn't always give the 'full story' to the spouse in order to avoid heated discussions at home. Well, this is important to avoid.  It does not contribute to a healthy relationship when one half of the partnership is bearing too much responsibility and pressure.  Sometimes, baring your soul to your partner can not only help you to rid of those secret feelings that have tied your stomach into knots every day (ie. it can be very therapeutic), but it can also help your partner to understand why you may have been tense, despondent or not showing as many smiles as you normally would on a family vacation.  Who knows, maybe a good debrief and a good belly laugh with your partner might be just the medicine the doctor ordered, for you to release that tension and start focusing 100% on enjoying your holiday!

When you get back from your holiday, I suggest that if you are not already well-connected, that you start looking into local social networks, for support. The friends in these networks can provide practical support, but more important, they also provide emotional nurturance, affirmation of worth, advice and camaraderie.   Having peers in the same situation as you can help you see just what is normal – and what is over-anxiousness on your part. 

Learn what is controllable in your life and what is not and try to adjust your expectations accordingly.

Something else that you might want to think about is to find a mentor in your company – or elsewhere in your industry.  Find someone to discuss how your core values and beliefs affect your adjustment to an international move and discuss how best to tackle those issues.

Do not expect your company to anticipate your feelings and concerns. Develop a collaborative relationship with your contacts there. Let them understand your circumstances, including the good and the not-so-good parts. Believe in yourself, you can do it; you have proven you can work effectively without being available 24/7.  Think about it… is there anyone else in the organisation that will actually be checking you 24/7?  Not likely.  They’re usually too busy taking time out with their friends and families, just like you should can.

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
September 2007 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counselling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors.  Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalisations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form.  Please seek professional advice/counselling/therapy If you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.