My 20 year marriage has been slowly disintegrating over the past four years, to the point I am now seriously considering divorce.  I thought accepting our first international assignment to South America a year ago might help to rekindle our relationship, but it has done just the opposite.  We argue more than ever and for all intents and purposes live our own lives.  I have never felt so isolated and alone, the exact opposite of what I was hoping to achieve by moving abroad together.  I have spoken to others about the legalities of getting a divorce here and someone told me that if I file for divorce locally I could get nothing at all, whereas if I wait to file for divorce at home I would be confident that I would receive at least fifty percent of our joint assets. The problem is, we still have 2 years remaining on my husband’s contract and I am pretty sure that he would not agree to us settling a divorce at home, let alone early.  I am feeling so trapped and vulnerable right now, I cannot think what to do.  Any advice?

FJ

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear FJ,

I regret that your marriage has come to this. Without knowing you personally, I feel I need to say upfront that before ending a marriage, I highly recommend that you explore all alternative options – with the help of a professional counselor and/or life coach – so that you are sure that you have exhausted all possibilities to save what you once most likely cherished. This applies even if you do decide to end the marriage, as it will help you know for sure that you tried your best before ending what has now become a 20-year partnership.

In addition to exploring with a professional counselor and/or life coach the reasons why your marriage has been slowly disintegrating over the last four years, I suggest you think critically about what has made your situation worse since you have been abroad. Can you articulate a time or situation that was the catalyst for your unhappiness? According to your email, your relationship was under strain well before you moved abroad. How has moving away from home changed your relationship? Have you lost some self-esteem, confidence or identity since you have moved? Or conversely, have you gained self-esteem, confidence or a stronger sense of identity? What about your husband – how would he answer this question? Do you see more of him now, or is the problem that you see less of him because he is either always working or always socializing in the name of work? Has money affected things – and if so, how exactly? Have you been working abroad and/or have you felt satisfied in your other pursuits? Do you like South America – or does it cause you stress, anxiety or discomfort in any way?

There are a multitude of possible factors that may be contributing to your downhill spiral since you moved abroad. The point being that you really need to figure out exactly why your relationship is now at crisis point so you can ascertain if there are genuinely any things you can do to improve your new-found situation – especially being so far from your previous home-base. The best way to do this is to get out a pen and paper and write as much down as you can. Think through every aspect of your (new) life and be as analytical as possible. Arguably, even if you know you are likely to leave your husband, you will personally benefit from knowing everything that contributed to the relationship’s demise – and whether living abroad is something that you should do again… as let’s face it, living abroad can be a tough transition and it is not for everyone. Having the courage to recognize this, if this is the case, will serve you well in the future.

In terms of divorce advice, you need to make one or two decisions – not necessarily today, and not necessarily at the same time – and they are:

(1) To file for divorce or not; and
(2) If yes, where to file for divorce.

Only you can answer the first question. I would like to hope that you do not make the decision alone – talk to a professional counselor first – but ultimately, you need to make the decision, based on what you personally want for the future. Define this by picturing what you want to be doing in 5-10 years time and with whom.

The second question requires a bit of research on your part. What you heard about divorce laws in your current country may or may not be true. You need to find out for certain. Make an appointment with a reputable divorce lawyer – ideally one who has experience with expatriate divorces and ask all of your niggling questions. It is sometimes not a bad idea to make two appointments, with two different lawyers, to check that the information that you receive is accurate. This is one area of advice you do need to be 100% correct. Your Consulate or Embassy should be able to provide you contact details of lawyers in a confidential manner, if you do not want to mention this in your social circles.

Finally, I can well imagine that an uncertain relationship, combined with your first international assignment in a developing nation can leave you feeling vulnerable and trapped indeed. But could there be ‘other’ more tangible issues or concerns that might be exacerbating those feelings? Do you have your own transport, or are you relying on taxis to get around – or worse – relying on your husband’s office car, when it is available? Do you have a computer and internet access at home, so you can communicate freely with friends and family – and still feel connected to the world via news-sites and sites of your passion or interest? Do you have your own bank account and/or the freedom to spend money abroad? Are you able to jump on a bus or a plane and plan your own trips or getaways to meet up with long-held friends back home and/or to explore new places of interest? The sense of control and freedom that these simple items provide can be life-changing. They may or may not be enough to save a marriage, but they may well save your sanity in the interim.

FJ, I feel for you. Be courageous and be true to yourself.

Best wishes for your satisfaction and happiness,

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
Written together with Andrea Martins, Director, ExpatWomen.com
October 2008 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.