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ExpatWomen Confession:
Dear EW Girlfriend,
Hi. My friend is being beaten by her husband. She belongs to my book group and the other day she burst into tears and told me everything. Her husband is very stressed at work and apparently drinks a lot and then comes home and gets angry very easily. My friend is studying online and she is so frightened that he is going to be extremely angry if she does not get perfect marks. She had to beg him to let her take this course in the first place. Despite the fact that our expat circle is very social, he rarely lets her go out in the evenings because he likes her to be home when he gets in. One evening our book club ran a little late and we did not see her for two weeks after that. She told me the other day that he beat her so hard that week that she ended up in hospital for four days.
I am so worried about my friend, but I have no idea what I can do to help her. They have been married for 18 years and I have only known her for just over a year. Is it my place to tell her to leave her husband? She is so far away from her family. Are there any support networks for expatriates to help her? What can I do?
AC
ExpatWomen Girlfriend:
Dear AC,
The statistics on domestic violence are pretty horrific. At least one out of every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime, according to a study based on 50 surveys from around the world (Amnesty International, 2008). Furthermore, 167 women are raped everyday in the UK and every 37.8 seconds, somewhere in America a man is battered, according to the (American) National Violence Against Women Survey. Sadly, these statistics do not differ because the family is living overseas. In fact, the structure and lifestyle of living as an expatriate is almost the perfect scenario for someone to carry out abusive acts.
The foundation of domestic violence is that abusers want to dominate and control everything in order to get their own way. This can be easily achieved living away from the support and visibility of friends and family. In most expatriate families, one partner is the breadwinner and determinant of the overseas visa (usually the man), and the other is financially dependant and typically bound by more visa restrictions abroad (usually the woman). As a result, the woman can feel beholden/guilty/obligated to her husband because he is the provider, especially if he enforces this belief. She is usually unemployed (and may have low self-worth as a result, especially if she was previously employed), alone in a new country, trying to fit into a new culture, isolated, financially dependent and feeling vulnerable. Unfortunately, living in this isolation often allows the abuser the opportunity to assert and maintain absolute control. This is without the worry that someone will find out, or that his spouse has anyone to confide in – because he knows that she needs him to stay abroad, and if children are involved, she usually feels even more trapped and dependent than in her home country.
Abuse can be physical and/or emotional. It can include physical assault such as hitting, pushing, shoving, sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity) and/or stalking. Arousing fear and preventing a person from doing what they want or compelling them to behave in a way not freely chosen by them is a means to control. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse is not criminal behaviour; they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
It is important for you to know and to tell your friend that abuse is not an accident. It does not happen only because her husband is stressed at work, drunk or has a short temper. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. It is also important to make sure she understands that this is not her fault – she does not deserve this, no one deserves to be treated this way. There are certainly steps both you and your friend can take to help and ensure her safety.
Importantly, as difficult as it may be, you need to remain impartial and not get involved in family affairs. Offer emotional support, love and understanding. Assist and help her in any way you can to ensure her safety but your friend must make any final decisions herself. You do not want to become an accomplice should things become a legal concern nor do you want to compromise your safety if her husband finds out about your involvement.
Embassies and consulates should have a list of safe places or shelters for your friend to go to. They may also be able to offer advice on getting out of the country, taking children, facilitating financial support and visa/passport concerns. You may also like to research if there are any domestic violence hotlines in your city she can call and talk to about her situation. There are also plenty of resources online to offer support and advice. Be aware though that her husband may check her home computer's online activity, so searching online from your home computer or from internet café is perhaps one way that you might be able to help her.
Sadly, local police may choose not to help people involved in domestic disputes abroad. You may want to call them on your friend's behalf and find out their policy on intervening in domestic violence cases with foreigners, then report back to your friend accordingly. If they are willing and do attend to such call outs, perhaps ask your friend to warn her neighbours to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If they will not help you, you know you do not have the option of calling the police and you will know not to waste precious time trying to do so. Make sure your friend has important phone numbers on her at all times – these should include the police (if useful), taxi service, hospital emergency, crisis hotlines, airlines, friends and her embassy/ consulate.
Your friend must decide what she wants to do in terms of the future of her relationship. If she chooses to stay then that is her prerogative and you must respect that. If she decides she wants to leave, you can help her to consider the following:
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Practice ways to get out of the house safely and think of a few places she could go if she left home. |
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She should consider opening a bank account or getting a credit card set up only in her name. This can be difficult to do in some countries if you are not working, but this may be something a family member back home could help with. In the very least she should start putting some cash aside in a safe place for the eventuality of leaving. |
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She should also start packing a bag of essential and everyday items (including valuable or sentimental items) that she can grab and leave in a hurry when the opportunity strikes. Make sure this is hidden in a secret place or stored at a friend's, so her husband cannot find it. |
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She needs to gather as much information about her legal rights and options as possible before making any attempts at leaving. Will the Embassy issue a temporary travel document if she can not get her passport? What does that mean for her status in her host country and also when she arrives in her home country? Does leaving impact this and/or her other legal entities (banks, credit cards etc)? What are the legalities surrounding taking children away? She does not want to get to the airport only to be sent home (to an extremely angry husband) due to a legal hitch. |
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It is very important for her to make sure she has as many legal documents as she can gather, or in the very least, make copies of. These could include birth certificates, medical records (especially if they make note of injuries sustained from abuse), health insurance, bank books, copies of bank statements, pension schemes, driver licenses, marriage certificate, work permits, copy of host country visa, any form of ID with a photo, address book and so on. |
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Often the abuser will hide passports, so it might be a good idea for her to start looking for her/her children's passports when her husband is not at home. Sometimes embassies and consulates can issue temporary travel documents, but she needs to make sure that she has as many legal documents as possible before embarking on an escape plan. She needs to be 100 percent clear of her rights and legal ability to leave her husband and/or country with minimal risk to her person and future, and |
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She needs to be aware who might be watching her, on behalf of her husband. For example, if in your expat location she has a driver, it is possible that her husband quizzes her driver about all of her movements and her phone calls, so she may need to be smarter than her husband when she plans what she does each day. |
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I wish your friend all the very best for a safe and happy future and I admire you for supporting her. One parting word of caution, it is not unusual that your friend may not feel able to follow through with all of your suggestions at this point in time. Leaving is a very big step and requires a lot of courage and emotional strength. Try not to take this personally. Just be there for her and support her efforts to rebuild her strength and confidence, so that she is able to best protect herself and/or her children.
ExpatWomen Girlfriend
September 2009
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Online Resources
WARNING: Your email and website searches can be tracked from your home computer. The safest way to access information on the internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.
The American Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center
http://www.866uswomen.org/
The American Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center serves as a life-line to Americans exposed to domestic violence anywhere in the world. Their US
hotline number (866) 879-6636 (866) 879-6636 (866-USWOMEN 866-USWOMEN) is internationally toll free, so victims
can contact the Crisis Line directly 24/5 from anywhere.
Domestic Violence
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
Information on domestic violence, with personal safety plans.
International Inventory of Domestic Violence Services
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html
Lists help agencies for 191 countries.
The Healing Club
http://www.healingclub.com/
Founded in 1995, the Healing Club is an online support community for domestic violence victims, survivors, and others who want to take part in the "healing" process or know someone who has been touched by domestic violence. The Healing Club is about healing and rebuilding.
WAVE - Women Against Violence in Europe
http://www.wave-network.org/start.asp?ID=22651
WAVE is a network of European women's non-governmental organisations working in the field of combating violence against women and children. They have contacts of over 4,000 women's help organizations in 47 countries of Europe, as well as information on research, international documents and the legal situation in each country.
Women's Aid (UK)
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-
handbook.asp?section=0001000100080001&itemTitle=The+Survivor%27s+Handbook
A survivors' handbook plus other useful information about domestic violence. |
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Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.
Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now. |
