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ExpatWomen Confession:
Dear EW Girlfriend,
I started the expat circuit a little later in life at 52 and we have been living in Portugal for a little over eight months. I was employed back in the UK as a secretary for a medical clinic and while I was not career-driven, I was motivated and occupied all the same. We have four children who have been my pride, joy and focus for the past 30 years. Our two eldest children are married and live in the next village and the younger two are still in university. When we decided to move to Portugal we organised for the kids to board at their university and they seem quite happy about it – it is me that is struggling. I miss my children dreadfully and do not know what to fill my days here.
I have been back to the UK four times in the last eight months and each time it gets harder and harder to leave. I know I should not torture myself with visiting them, but it is all I can do to stop myself crying endlessly. It has also come to my attention that after 35 years of marriage and in the absence of the children, my husband and I have very little in common now – in fact, we can go out for dinner and it feels like we have nothing to say to each other. Please help.
JW
ExpatWomen Girlfriend:
Dear JW
First of all I have to commend you for taking such a gallant leap and moving abroad. I do believe it is a wonderful opportunity for you and something that will, if given the chance, enhance your life and give you stories to tell for years to come. Without the 24/7 responsibility of dependent children, you are now somewhat footloose and fancy-free to travel and enjoy your new life. A fabulous place to be in and potentially, the envy of all your friends.
However, given that you confess to crying instead of rejoicing, let us address the following issues: empty nest sadness; loss of your identity; and your marital relationship now that your children have left home.
Empty Nest Sadness
Empty nest is a recognised stage in the human life cycle. It refers to a general feeling of loneliness that parents may feel when one or more of their children leave home, or in your case, when you and your children leave home (separately). It is natural for a mother to feel some sadness when her children come out from underneath her wing and it is quite normal to have a little weep now and again. I would suggest not to be ashamed of your feelings - they are natural. Give yourself time to grieve and get used to what your new life looks like. Talk to someone either in the UK or in Portugal, about how you are feeling. Communicating your feelings will help make the situation tangible for you and once it is tangible, you will find you are able to more rationally deal with the issues at hand.
Too many visits ‘home’ will make it more difficult to adapt to your new situation and environment. To counteract this, plan an annual family get-together for a special occasion – for example, Christmas, Hanukah, christening, birthday or Mother’s Day – something you can focus your attention on, make your project, plan for and look forward to. Keeping busy will also help to abate the feelings of loneliness. Keeping busy, with this project and hopefully others in your new local community, will also help you to settle and make Portugal feel more like home to you now.
In terms of practical solutions, make a plan with your children to communicate regularly via phone, the internet and email. Set up regular times to speak to your family, or organise a time for a family conference call. Online video phones are perfect for this type of thing.
Loss Of Your Identity
Empty nest syndrome is not just about ‘losing’ your children. It can be a time where you feel confused about who you are, now that your ‘mother’ label is less relevant. Missing the involvement in your family’s everyday activities can result in a feeling of loss of worthiness and can lead to a temporary identity crisis (as can moving abroad – especially first-time moves like yours). Becoming a trailing spouse is enough to set off an identity crisis in even the most seasoned expat: struggling with making new friends; figuring out the culture and etiquette; dealing with the unfamiliar; and wondering “Who am I?”
However, this is where you have a choice. You can either continue to feel worthless and sad, or make the most of your new situation by getting back in touch with who you are, build up your confidence and start planning to really make something of your new-found freedom. Join some of the expat clubs, take language lessons, learn Portuguese cooking, dancing, take up painting, do an online course, entertain friends, travel – the world and your time is your oyster!
Your Marriage
Unfortunately, your children leaving can expose existing flaws in your relationship, as well as create new flaws as your personalities change as well. Being aware of what is different and how that makes you feel is an important step in avoiding the negative impact the empty nest syndrome can have on your marriage. Readjustment back into being a couple takes some time and the awkwardness of this is often a common side effect of empty nest. So, before you jump to any conclusion about the state of your marriage, take a step back and try to gain some perspective.
Good communication and preparation for this phase of your marriage is the key to success. Take advantage of the time the two of you have alone together to talk about the topics that could create problems in your marriage, topics that could be a challenge to deal with, and the topics that could bring you happiness. Sit down together and make a list of some hobbies you can do together. Get out there and have some fun, nothing like a little Portuguese dancing to re-ignite the passion! Your husband could be feeling upset about the same things you are – but he might just be handling it in a very different way. Talk to him. Enlist a counsellor to facilitate a discussion, if you need to.
Speaking of which, if you personally feel that your useful life has ended, you are crying excessively and/or that you are so sad you do not want to socialise, please seek professional help. You might only need a few sessions with a professional, but those few sessions could help you gain the clarity and confidence to literally turn your life and the direction of your marriage around.
Best wishes!
ExpatWomen Girlfriend
May 2009
Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.
Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now. |
