ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

How do I share my expat life and experiences with my friends back home? I have such a fabulous life as an expatriate – sure it has some frustrating and emotional aspects, but I wouldn’t change any of it. My query lies in what to do with my friends at home who don’t understand the expat way and whom I feel are jealous of my life and of me. I’m very conscious of talking to my friends about how we live and the perks of expat life such as drivers, maids, financial benefits etc. I want to share with them my concerns such as feeling guilty about leaving our aging parents or if the children are having problems at school etc but when I do they are very quick to remind me of all the ‘luxuries’ we have. I feel sad and hurt that I can’t share my life with them as much anymore. I feel resentful that I have to hide my life, but also they are very important to me. Any tips?

PJ

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear PJ

Thanks bringing up a concern that most expatriates face. Maintaining friendships abroad involves a lot of time and effort and in some cases, sensitivity. Of course you want to be able to share your experiences and happenings with your friends back home – your life has taken on new excitement and each day is novel, challenging and stimulating. Your whole way of life is different and may include experiences such as having a live-in maid, a personal car and driver, and possibly even police escorts to and from the compound you live on. But while your life has taken on new meaning and is full of excitement, your friends’ lives back home may not have changed at all. They are still in their routine: go to the same bars; same sports clubs; and are stuck in traffic everyday going to work. It is easy to see how some resentment can build and both parties need to be realistic about this.

Pick and choose the experiences you want to share with friends back home. Some concerns or problems may be better shared with another expatriate, purely because they know and understand particular difficulties associated with living abroad such as being away from aging parents. Boasting about hired help, endless overseas holidays and all the restaurant openings you have been invited to might be the fastest way to build a barrier between you and your old friends. To take the edge off the jealousy at home, it might be worthwhile limiting your communication to daily life stuff and even throw in a difficulty or frustration you have here and there. It will be very difficult for your friends to relate to some of the frustrations you feel – such as not being able to drive as a woman in Saudi, bargaining and being ripped off at the markets, and endless bureaucracy attached to the smallest tasks in a communist country. They may find these types of stories less ‘threatening’ to hear, and might be able to step back and feel for you instead of imagining all the money you are earning and cursing that you haven’t done the ironing for months! You may want to sit down and have a conversation next time you see them in person. Explain your new life including all the gory details and most importantly, tell them how valuable their friendship is to you. They may just feel left out and pushed to the side now that you have this ‘glamorous expat life’. Get them to visit too – that will make them feel part of your life and it’s something you can share in the future. ! 

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
April 2007 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counselling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors.  Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalisations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form.  Please seek professional advice/counselling/therapy If you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.