ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

I am an expat woman working living in Dubai with my husband and our three daughters. We have been here for almost 8 months and so far so good. However, Christmas time is coming up and I have just been told that I won't be able to have time off for the holidays (as it is not recognised as a holiday here). Unfortunately both of our families back in the US (and my partner and children here) have taken the news unfavourably. I have tried to explain the situation to everyone but given that our families are extremely close, always spend holidays together and have a strong belief in continuing traditions, I know that they feel it is my fault for 'ruining' their Christmas holidays – and now even I have found myself thinking this way. I feel so guilty. Our families in the US are practically not speaking to me. My contract is for three years so we have another couple of Christmas' to go, not to mention Thanksgiving and Easter. I'm at a total loss as to what to do, and sometimes I wonder if this so-called grand experience of working overseas is worth it.

BV

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear BV

Thanks for your email.  I'm sure there are many other career women facing similar predicaments with career and family.  Working mothers can have a tough time balancing requirements of the workplace whilst also maintaining the traditional roles of nurturing mother and duty-bound sibling.  However, many other mothers do not have cultural differences/restrictions and a few oceans between them to throw into the mix.  You must quite rightly feel stuck between a rock and a hard place! 

However, there are some steps you could try to appease your children and family members back home.  Let's start with your immediate family.  Is your husband on your side?  Does he understand your predicament and support you?  Standing together on an issue such as 'deciding' to not go to the US for Christmas will demonstrate to your children that these are family decisions and that you support each other.  It will also take the blame directly off your shoulders!  Having said that, is it an option that your husband and children go back for the Christmas break?  I realise that this could be a very loaded question, as you would not want to be separated from your husband and children at Christmas time... but if you find that going back to the US is super-important to your husband and children, perhaps some compromise could be sought in terms of Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.  Or alternatively, is paying for some key friends or family members to visit your family in Dubai an option?

Just because you are currently living in a country where your customs are not recognised doesn't mean that you and your family should be deprived of them.  Make a point of keeping traditions that are important to your family, your religion and/or background and celebrate them accordingly.  Keeping traditions that are important to you alive will help children feel connected to their culture and help strengthen their identity.  A child growing up as a third culture kid can experience an extreme sense of confusion as to what belongs to them and what they belong to – in changing surrounds its important to provide a sense of stability and security.  I would strongly advise celebrating certain occasions as you would in your home country.  Get your parents to send over Easter eggs if you cannot buy them, improvise your Thanksgiving dinner if you cant find a turkey and make your own Christmas tree if need be.  It's not how things are done that matters, it's that you are continuing the familiar that's important – creating your own family traditions.  Also, make a point of taking some annual leave days around these particular holidays and be there with your children, so that these days still feel like 'family holiday' days.

As for your family back home – do they really feel you have single-handedly ruined Christmas, or do YOU feel you are responsible for ruining their Christmas?  Either way, everyone needs to get reasonable.  I know that doesn't ease your guilt, but they of all people should understand your situation.  I assume they also consider your family to be close, so they should know that those feelings haven't changed just because you are not physically there.  Do you have a webcam?  Arrange for an online video conferencing date with your family and open presents together or something else fun.  Perhaps you could suggest a family Christmas in Dubai next year?  Or better still, what about an all-family holiday in a fun and exotic location (maybe mid-way between Dubai and the US) in January or February instead?

If you are still feeling guilty for depriving your children of spending this Christmas with their grandparents, take a step back and re-focus on all the exciting opportunities that you are exposing them to abroad.  They may only view these as exciting opportunities if their parents and role models believe as much – so take the lead and model some of that excitement!  Lead by positive example and your children will follow.  Embrace the Arab culture and explain and celebrate some of their holidays and religious festivals, in addition to your own heritage.  I know some families that had to 'improvise' when celebrating their own traditions abroad and now they are back home, years later, those improvisations have become part of their family traditions!  There is no reason why these experiences can't be used in a positive way to create a special and unique bond between your family.

I hope this has sparked a chord with you and you are able to stop feeling ALL the guilt and have a warm and wonderful fun-filled Christmas with your family!

Best wishes.

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
December 2007 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy If you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.