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ExpatWomen Confession:
Dear EW Girlfriend,
I live in Athens, Greece, and I think I am an alcoholic. I am spending more and more nights drinking. I find myself choosing unimportant evening social functions (through my job with the foreign service here) over getting home and spending time with my family. I will literally spend a few hours on Monday morning planning my evening functions for the week, based primarily on which function will be serving the most alcohol and which function is likely to last the longest. It has been going on for some time now and because of my position in the community, it was not until I saw your website that I felt comfortable and anonymous enough to ask for help. This was also fuelled by a huge argument I had with my husband last weekend, which ended in him accusing me of being an alcoholic and threatening to take our three children and move home. I am beside myself, at a total loss and more shocked at how it has come to this. Before this posting, I had never been a big drinker and in fact I counselled two women in our previous posting who were drinking to cover up a miserable marriage. How could I be so blind as to not see that this interest in socialising is what is happening to me? I could really use some advice right now.
BR
ExpatWomen Girlfriend:
Dear BR
I appreciate how difficult it must have been for you to write this. So often we become so involved and entrenched in the day-to-day running of our lives, that we do not have the time or inclination to look up and notice what is going on around us or to us. It sometimes takes someone else to point out the obvious. As an accomplished, capable and intelligent person, this can come as quite a shock.
One piece of advice I can give you is that if it is starting to interfere with your family life and your husband is the one pointing this out to you, then you have the obligation to your husband and children to do something about it. The place you need to start is with professional help – either Alcoholics Anonymous or "AA" (I checked online and they have an active chapter in Athens) or a private therapist. Or for best results, both.
People turn to heavy alcohol consumption for many different reasons and not all alcoholics have similar symptoms. Some people find that only alcohol can make them feel self-confident and at ease. They get addicted to the 'buzz' that alcohol or the social environment gives them, and may think about drinking occasions constantly. Other people turn to alcohol to escape something else in their lives, such as stress at work, an unhappy relationship, family responsibilities at home, painful memories, financial worries, illness, feelings of guilt over other things, homesickness and/or a multitude of other reasons.,
Without always knowing it, drinking (and the side-effects) typically start to take over an alcoholic's life. It is not just the period of consumption that is of concern, but the next day many alcoholics experience extreme guilt and fear – especially if they got drunk without planning to and cannot remember what they said or did the night before. Alcoholics also often sneak drinks, lie about their drinking, hide bottles, drink at work, drink at unusual times (such as in the morning, for no reason at all), drink alone and/or make up excuses to find ways to drink. This affects their general demeanor, plus it affects the trust and honesty in their relationships, as well as the trust and honesty they have with themselves. This in turn leads to even more feelings of guilt and shame – often making them feel out of control and unable to stop their patterns.
Do any of these situations apply to you? If so, joining a fellowship such as AA will help you to get the support and find the strength that you need to quit drinking. It can help you to recover before your health becomes a major concern and while you still have the love and support of your family and job. It is never too late, nor too early to seek support and get help for any type of addiction-related illness.
Like anything, the hardest part is acknowledging the problem and committing to doing something about it. If you are now at a stage where you can acknowledge that you are possibly an alcoholic and you want to do something about it, pat yourself on the back – with a commitment to positive action – you are about to turn your life around.
There are also two support groups for family members of alcoholics; Al Anon and Alateen (for teenagers). These groups provide understanding, strength and hope to anyone whose life is, or had been affected by someone else's drinking. It may be helpful for your husband, and your children if you believe they are aware of the issues at home, to enable them to get support and understand what you are going through, plus guide them as to how they can help. It can be a very scary and doubtful time in a relationship, so hearing the experiences of others who have been through it and successfully came out the other end can offer much needed clarity and hope – for everyone involved.
I also suggest you employ the expertise of a therapist. Alcoholism very rarely comes about because of the taste of alcohol. More often than not it is used to 'numb' feelings or emotions from other areas in your life that could benefit from professional counselling or therapy. What do you forget about when you are out drinking? Is it the drinking per se, or is the socialising a bigger part of why you spend nights away from home? Is it job stress? Is it career-mother guilt? Whatever the issue, I think you owe it to yourself and your family to seek professional help – more than I can give you in a one way email. A therapist should be able to help you get to the root of the problem and help you determine why you rely on alcohol and help you get past that.
I wish you all the best BR. You will overcome this – especially if you open up and let your family in to help you. Believe in yourself – and believe in your family who love you.
For your information:
ExpatWomen Girlfriend
February 2009
Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.
Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now. |
