ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

I was born in Asia and went to London at age 23. I studied, worked, lived and met my American husband in London and became the professional trailing spouse. No wait, I became an American citizen first. Well, it's been 14 years and we have lived in different countries in Asia for the last 10 years. Apart from being accused of wasting away my financial education while I was in Vietnam, I have found meaningful and gainful employment over the years to insulate myself from the frustrations of having useful skills but no job to match my qualifications.

We recently relocated to the United States and I am having difficulties fitting into the country that I had adopted but never had any social ties with (apart from my in-laws) All my American friends are outside of the USA. Do you have any ideas on how to integrate with other foreign-born Americans? I have been in the US since August and have only ventured to the grocery store in my immediate neighborhood (apart from visiting my in-laws with my husband)! I am 45 now - and I am afraid that I am no longer as gung-ho as I was when I first left my homeland to bum around the UK to lead a free-spirited life! I feel I have acquired a lot along the way and have valuable skills to offer. Do you have tips on how I can find some meaning in my adopted country?

HG

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear HG,

Thank you very much for your email – it sounds like you have a few different concerns. Just to recap: you feel isolated from others in your community, you feel anxious to face your new environment and you are searching for something meaningful to achieve in your new home country. Does that sound about right? Let's look at these one by one.

You probably know that the feeling of isolation is a very common experience for expats. However it may not take on the same shape or form in each country, which makes it even more difficult to prepare for and deal with. I guess you never would have expected to feel so alone in a country that you are a citizen of, especially seeing as you seem to have lived successfully abroad for many years.

Believe it or not, it is often more difficult to meet people in a developed society/community than it is in other places. Just because it is America and you are a citizen there doesn't mean you don't have to work at meeting people. Have you taken the same steps to integrate in the United States as you did in previous postings? Have you researched the clubs and associations available in your local area? If not, I would get online immediately and have a look at what's available. You also have the luxury of established community facilities such as gyms, sports clubs, adult education facilities, church groups etc all at your finger tips which should offer some social interaction. I think once you immerse yourself into the community and meet some people your confidence will come back and daily living won't be so intimidating. Friends and acquaintances are important in creating a sense of belonging to a community. Once you have a sense that you belong to your neighbourhood, using the facilities may not seem so daunting. Or if the problem is that you do not think you live in an exciting location anymore, perhaps it would help if you re-moulded your mindset so that you did think your location was exciting and bursting with things for you to do – just like you probably shaped your mind when you were overseas.

Unless there is a tangible fundamental explanation for your reluctance to go out of your neighborhood, there is nothing to wait for – go for it! – baby steps though. Set yourself attainable goals each day (walk to the end of the street and back, buy a newspaper each day, take a book and have morning coffee at the local café, visit the local library, go and get your hair cut – as hairdressers are always in for a conversation and can usually give you some gossip about what's going on around town!). This will gradually grow your confidence and hopefully whet your appetite to try for more.

Have you explained your feelings to your husband? Ask him for support and book him in for a trip into town together next weekend. Book a restaurant and have dinner together in your local area. Small steps like this should help you become familiar with your surroundings and feel more and more comfortable about existing in them. It is great that you have recognised the difference in you as a 20-something and as a 40-something. Maybe you don't have the same gung-ho attitude as you did when you first moved to the UK, but step back and re-evaluate who you are now and what you want to get out of this experience as an experienced woman, traveller and expat. Perhaps you are trying to be the same person you once were and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to live the free spirited life? My advice would be that at 45, trust your instincts and do not be afraid to be passionate about a particular interest/sport/hobby that you have. Your passion and willingness to get involved in your area might just be the magnets that you need to attract new friends into your life.

Which brings us to the final point: finding some meaning in this chapter of your life. While I am a great advocate of working hard to make things happen for myself I am also a firm believer of The-Right-Place-Right-Time Theory and the 'Who You Know' phenomenon. Almost as much as I am a fan of list making! So, armed with this information I would sit down and make a list of the things that are important to me, the things that I would dearly love to achieve and how I may go about achieving them. I would then sign up to every club and association I could find in my area that relates to my list of priorities. I would then bombard my neighbourhood and beyond with emails to anyone and everyone and then I would sit back and wait for the fruits of my labour to pour in. That may not be tomorrow or next week but you are proactively working towards finding meaning, which in the meantime, maybe meaningful enough!

Finally, if you do not meet the foreign-born Americans that you were hoping for, in the interest group of your choice, you can always start a new club to attract them, as there are sure to be other foreign-born Americans in your area that would love the opportunity to get together, just like you. If you would like some tips on starting your own club, please see one of my previous responses Here.

Best of luck HG and let us know how you get on.

Kindest regards,

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
February 2008 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.