ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

I am currently volunteering for a telephone help line, which is aimed at the expatriate community.  We have received more than 1200 calls in the past year since opening and there is a very clear pattern as to the types of issues expatriates are facing living here.  It is frightening to learn about the vast number of affairs and cases of infidelity that are occurring in our community.  Most of the calls are from wives or friends of, but a few are also from men who want to get out of the mess they are in.  We have obviously discussed many of the issues that arise during our duty with our mentor groups, but I was wondering if you had a theory as to why infidelity seems to strike hard in expatriate communities?

JK

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear JK,

I guess firstly we should acknowledge that unfortunately, infidelity is not limited to expatriate communities, it is just perhaps easier to ‘see’, in a close expat circle.  It seems that ‘dirty laundry’ is shared and aired more easily throughout the international communities, making it appear more common than at home.  Many books suggest that infidelity is most likely to occur in relationships that are strained and under pressure. Move a relationship with fine cracks to a foreign country where numerous stresses and strains on the individuals and the relationship are inevitable, and you have a recipe for developing plunging caverns.  

Whilst I in no way condone extra marital affairs, if we look at circumstances of an unhappy expatriate relationship, it can be quite easy to see how they can begin. In this example let’s assume the male is the working partner and his wife is the trailing spouse.  It’s worth noting here that while it is apparent that more males are the perpetrators of extra marital affairs, it is not at all completely unheard of for women to partake as well. 

Back to our example - On an overseas assignment, the husband moves to his new office where he is stimulated by an exotic and new working culture and is surrounded by enthusiastic people who bend over backwards to be helpful.  He is challenged by new colleagues and is admired and accepted by his company.  As a result, he feels more alive, interesting and extra special from all the positive attention he is receiving.  His wife on the other hand is struggling at home on her own with day to day cultural and language barriers, is perhaps trying to appease unhappy and resentful children, trying to make friends with other expat wives who are stressed or depressed, is bored, suffering from culture shock and trying to accept her new role and identity.  She doesn’t have the energy or capacity to treat her husband as the new and exciting person he is at his work place. 

Instead, she wants to be able to complain and share her frustrations with him.  A few other factors such as the perks in some expat packages (cars, drivers and servants) can boost a man’s confidence and self worth as can the cultural differences between genders.  In some cultures, it is a women’s duty to put the needs of men above her own and to behave in an extremely feminine fashion.  This vulnerable girlish femininity coupled with adoring attention at work and limited attention from home can forge a rift.   The contrast between husband and wife is resounding and slowly the husband prefers to spend more time at the office with adoring staff and this can eventually lead to an affair.

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
February 2007 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand.  She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996.  She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level.  In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship.  Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counselling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

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