Recently I moved to my partner’s home country, Japan. I myself am from Denmark, which is where we met. Haruko and I got to know each other well at the office. He was expatriated from Japan and had lived in Denmark for one year already before we started our relationship. We have been in a solid relationship for the past two years. We have discussed marriage and children, but decided to wait another year or so before becoming formally engaged, because my partner was offered a great job back in Japan and we wanted to establish ourselves in Japan first.

However, ever since we moved to Japan four and half months ago, our relationship has been having problems. It seems that the man I fell in love with has transformed into a different person. He acts differently, he dresses differently and worst of all; he treats me in a different way. I feel I have been put in a different role since we got here, and somehow it seems I don’t fit into his life anymore. To make matters worse, I am not working here and feel completely disempowered about the whole situation. Can you help?

CK

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear CK,

First of all, I congratulate you on your courage to move to Japan. Moving to a partner’s home country can be a very daunting experience and I applaud your courage to try something new in a place that would understandably hold so much history and so many expectations for your Japanese partner.

Second of all, hang in there. You have been going through some very tough emotions, but I am confident that if you believe in yourself and try to come up with a plan as to how to address some of the issues that are causing you stress, one way or the other, you will grow to be a stronger person from this experience.

Now, let’s start with your expatriation. Moving to a new country is never easy. Sure, there might be some fabulous moments, but overall, statistics show that you are likely to experience a bit of a rollercoaster ride as an expat – with very high highs, and very low lows. This is normal. Culture shock is a very genuine emotion and few expats escape some level of culture shock abroad. I recommend you read up on the elements of culture shock and how to manage your ups and your downs. Do you speak Japanese? If not, I recommend that you take intensive language lessons, as difficult as they might be, because the sooner that you can communicate freely with everyone that you meet, the more in control you will feel and the more you will understand Japanese people and culture. Have you found and/or joined expat organizations, taken up a hobby, gone to the local community center, taken classes, visited the wonderful tourist sites – or made other such moves to really feel connected to your new community? Anything you do to participate in your community, make friends, and increase your language skills will give you a feeling of belonging and accomplishment. Get online or go to a library or bookstore and look for anything you can find about your host country and culture. Consider these priorities on your agenda. Especially finding expats in the same situation as you can be a real life-saver, in terms of expressing how you are feeling and/or finding other expats who have been through what you are going through, and who could possibly offer you some moral support and/or advice.

Moving on to your work situation. In today’s world, where identity is strongly linked with career, the accompanying loss of a professional life upon expatriation (or re-expatriation) can initiate a profound loss of self and manifest itself with symptoms remarkably similar to culture shock. For example, you probably miss feeling competent and independent. You may feel like you have less control and/or less freedom than before. These feelings, whilst difficult to (re)adjust to, can be completely normal. Try not to be too hard on yourself in these early months. But at the same time, if you want to work, think how you can make that happen, and think about networking in local clubs and organisations to help increase your chances of a work offer. But remember, you do not have to do the type of work you did before. Is there a hobby or interest that you would really like to spend time developing, in the hope that this could be your new source of income? If yes, be courageous and try something new!

Now, your relationship. Unexpected differences come as a shock after the experience of living together in harmony in Denmark, when the two of you were both working. Rejection, disorientation and a feeling of isolation are part of culture shock and a normal part of adjusting to living in a new country. Your feelings of being in a different role are completely natural, as you have given up your job to be with him, and you have moved to a new country, a different language and a new culture. Your partner’s role and his job and traditional expectations of him might make him behave in an alien way to you. He has grown up and been taught to act the way he is acting now, in his home environment. When he was living abroad, he has adjusted well to a, for him, foreign culture. Maybe he is expecting the same from you. In Japan, he’s most likely busy re-establishing himself in his job and may choose to spend more time at work to accomplish that goal, or he may be required to do so by his new boss. He may also feel guilty for moving you abroad, away from your established career in Denmark. Maybe he responds defensively when you attempt to share with him your concerns, thoughts, and feelings about the move, which he might interpret as negative. Maybe he cuts you off when you attempt to tell him what you’re feeling or not even ask how you’re doing because he might not want to know the answer for fear of your response.

However, it’s important though to give voice to your feelings, thoughts, and concerns, and for them to be validated by another person. If you find that Haruko is unable to hear you during this time or is unavailable, it’s important to reach out to someone else (a friend or perhaps a counselor/life coach/psychologist) who can listen to you. It’s important for you to feel supported. During this time, talking with others can reduce the stress you feel as a result of the move. Talking about your feelings, problems, or situation can actually decrease the intensity of it. If you find yourself struggling with deep and persistent emotional fluctuations don’t be ashamed to get help.

Keep lines of communication with Haruko open. As you transition into your new life, talk to Haruko about your feelings and expectations for your relationship. Ask him about his feelings. Consider what you want out of your career, your possible marriage, do you and Haruko still share similar expectations of marriage, or has this changed after the move? Find out if Haruko would be willing to move back to Denmark —or even a third country—if you were not able to live happily in Japan long-term. If you decide to build a life together, I recommend you create your own home culture that combines both your cultures in terms of food, language, holidays, etc. Adapting to life in a foreign culture is stressful enough; you shouldn’t have to continue feeling the pressure to assimilate in your own home.

Finally, have a back-up plan. No matter how in love you are, there are numerous cultural hurdles you will have to face to make your relationship last. Should it not work out, you will need a plan to get back on your feet financially and emotionally. While abroad, stay in touch with home friends and family. Stay in contact with former bosses and co-workers. Try to keep your job skills current or work on developing new skills to increase your value in the marketplace. If you can legally work in Japan, get a job even if it is not in your chosen field so you will have some degree of financial independence. Finally, be open to new experiences and be ready to face the unexpected. You are living a great adventure. In the end, your experiences abroad will be what you make of them. Use them as a chance to reinvent yourself and your life.

Best of luck!

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
January 2008 

Our New ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from The Netherlands. She has lived as an Expat Woman in India, Canada, Indonesia, Chile and Thailand – where she is currently a ‘trailing spouse’ to a husband of a different nationality to hers. She is a mother of two children, born in Asia, that have dual nationalities. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in European Communications (Marketing) and she has recently graduated from her Master of Science degree in Counselling Psychology. She works in a private mental health clinic, plus counsels expatriate women.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.