ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

We moved to Sri Lanka three months ago for my husband’s job. We finally found a fabulous apartment and moved 167 boxes in last weekend. I have also defied the odds and got a ‘proper’ job with an American HR consultancy here starting next month. Needless to say, we both love being here, love the shape life is starting to take and have been really looking forward to learning and growing from the people, country and the experiences that living here might provide.

However, things suddenly took a turn for the “different” when my husband came home two days ago and announced that his company is restructuring and we no longer have a job here! Nothing can begin to describe the mass of feelings and emotions that washed over me. I feel so very angry at the changes imposed upon me especially having landed a brilliant job (something that I’ve desperately wanted for the last two postings and is very difficult to do as a trailing spouse!) and worst still, have pangs of resentment and anger towards my husband. I know it is not his fault. I feel guilty about wanting to direct my anger towards him and mightily annoyed that I feel I have no control over this. And worst of all, we have no idea what we are going to do now. I feel totally lost, frustrated, angry and unmotivated to do anything about anything. I flit between wanting to hide under a rock and blowing up the CEO’s letterbox. I know we are going to be OK, but any advice for interim survival and mental sanity?

PK

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear PK

Oh my – what timing! First of all, I really am very sorry to read your confession and I feel for you and your family. Just as you start to get settled and as you say, life takes shape, you have the rug pulled out from underneath you. And, with no say! I think you have every right and should definitely give yourself permission to get angry and feel annoyed – stifled emotions do not stay hidden forever and are best aired when the cause is fresh. I imagine your husband would expect you to be angry, as I am sure he is too, so get that out in the open first.

It is easy to let negative emotions take control when receiving bad news. Take a deep breath and try to assess the situation calmly, rationally and objectively. Take some time to tell each other how angry you are at the situation; detail specific things that annoy you the most about the impending changes (loss of job, recently-unpacked boxes, finally getting that washing machine connected etc) and vent your frustrations with each other. I think it is a very good idea to do this together for two reasons: firstly it helps to validate your feelings if you hear someone else suffers frustrations, and secondly if you hear how it impacts your spouse, you are less likely to blame them for your losses. There is a big difference between anger and blame and the affability of your relationship will depend upon knowing the difference. I suspect your husband will feel slightly, if not entirely responsible for the upheaval in your lives which is why it is important to vent your anger at the situation itself and not your partner. As well as wearing responsibility (financial) and guilt (bringing you here), he may also be nursing a bruised ego having lost his job and is now facing the dreaded fear of the unknown. It may take some deep breaths of your part, but it is important to be supportive (even if you do want to punish/resent him for the mess that you may currently feel that he has made of your picture-perfect life!).

How can you survive the interim? Now is a good time to look after yourself and your husband. It is easy to get caught up in the negative and get down on the situation – but once you get your head around it, turn it into something positive – enjoy your time as a tourist in Sri Lanka! Try not to put your life on hold. How you choose to deal with this ‘imposition’ is something you do have control over; you can choose to wallow in self-pity and stress yourself out or you can take a step back from the current ‘blip’ and be a tourist in your city. Get out and enjoy guilt-free sightseeing, travel around and nearby, enjoy nice coffees with a book (something that inspires you) or a glass of wine in a bar with a sea view! It is particularly difficult when you start the waiting game and have no idea how long you will remain in your current home let alone starting to plan another move. I would not offer this piece of advice to many people, but in this case the ‘ostrich approach’ might be a valuable survival technique – put your head in the sand and enjoy your time until further notice.

Another survival technique I’d recommend is to tell your closest friends abroad. Get on the email and tell your friends and family what’s going on – you might be touched and heartened by how supportive and concerned friends can be – and just how cathartic it might feel to voice your feelings with someone who is more independent of the situation than that of your husband. Another way to get this same sense of ‘release’ from your emotions is to write everything down in a journal and/or in a blog. If you do this every day, each day should get easier than the next, and you can look back on this time as yet another example of your strength as an expat. I am sure that many other expat women out there have had to pull rabbits out of their magic hats at times like this also – so take heart, we do have the strength to triumph over these expat setbacks.

In terms of your job offer in Sri Lanka, I congratulate you whole-heartedly on the offer and I encourage you to feel grateful for the huge boost to your self-confidence that the offer gave to you. Use this revived sense of confidence in your new location. And/or keep on good terms with the employer that offered you the local position, because maybe they have an office in your new destination, and a good word from them might just be the deciding factor for a great job in your next location.

Give it just a bit of time and your options will become clearer, decisions will become more informed and you will become more accepting and open to new suggestions – you may even start to look forward to your new endeavours and who knows, maybe those clichés ‘these things happen for a reason’ and ‘you will look back on this one day and laugh’ are well-known and often used for good reason. I wish you and your husband all the very best and I know things will work out in the end because ‘Every Cloud has a Silver Lining’. Good luck to you.

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
April 2008 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.