I moved to Europe 14 months ago for my career. I was offered a once-in-a-lifetime job and my partner agreed that it was just too good for me to refuse, so he happily supported our move and came as my ‘trailing spouse'. Before I accepted the assignment, we talked long and hard about what options there might be for my partner here, given that he enjoyed his field of work and derived a great deal of satisfaction from it. Having worked for 20 years already, he assured me that whilst he would possibly seek out work opportunities upon arrival, he saw this as the perfect opportunity for him to take some time out of the rat race and explore his interests of golf, photography and medieval castles. The problem is, he seems to have exhausted his interests in non-work pursuits and now keeps complaining to me that he hates it here because he is “a nobody”. I confess that I do not fully appreciate what he is going through… all I know is that I need to do something. Help.

PL 


ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear PL,

Firstly, congratulations on your amazing job opportunity. I hope that it turns out to be as incredible as you envisaged and that your time abroad strengthens your skills for whatever you do in the future.

Secondly, you are smart to seek out ideas on how to help your partner. Some expats never do this, in favor of conveniently ignoring the problem, and unfortunately those relationships are often the ones that falter first.

Let's start with your partner's commitment to be a trailing spouse. This is a common issue for all trailing spouses – male and female – especially in what originally appear to be the “good” locations, in that they agree to the adventure, but then find it did not live up to their expectations and they later change their minds about just how much they are willing to sacrifice in terms of their own identity and career, to support their partner's.

To be fair, no one can ever really know what it will be like in a situation in which they have never been in. A new mother can never appreciate what it is like to have a baby that refuses to sleep at night, until they have one. A widower can never understand just how lonely life can be, until after they have lost their life-companion forever. So too, a trailing spouse can never appreciate what it will be like, until they are living the role, day in, day out. Take heart however that your partner's commitment was there originally, and that puts you in the fortunate position that you do have someone who will make sacrifices to be with you. Many people do not have that – it is very precious.

In the case of your partner, you have two choices: hold him to his commitment, regardless; or recognize that life is not as he thought it would be, and help him to work through ‘where to from here'. If you love your partner and are committed to a relationship success, then I would suggest that that latter option is really your only option. Let's talk through four simple ideas about how you might help your partner…

1. Ask him exactly what he hates and why he hates it. Encourage him to treat the problem like he would treat a project for a business – ie. identify and write down each problem or issue to clarify. That should not only articulate his thoughts for you to better understand his concerns, but also give you both a starting point for exploring ideas together for possible solutions.
   
   
2. Help him to build his identity. It is critical that trailing spouses feel a strong sense of their own identity abroad. If your partner does not own business cards, encourage him to get some made. They may simply state his name and details, or they may portray him as a freelancer or consultant of some sort. Either way, they should help introduce him at business functions that he attends with or without you – and give him a stronger sense of his identity in social settings. Encourage him also to practice an ‘elevator speech' with you to describe what he does – and make sure you can deliver the same speech for him also, so your stories are consistent. In terms of business contacts, do you have contacts in your networks that could utilize his skills – either in a paid or a voluntary sense – anything that would both satisfy him and/or make him feel useful? Another key thing to check is transport. For example, if you have a car, but he relies on public transport, buying a car for him can boost his sense of identity and freedom dramatically.
   
   
3. Help him find some other male trailing spouses. You may not have time to join in on the local expat coffee mornings or monthly gatherings to find like-minded men for him, but if anyone is likely to find working executive women who might have male trailing spouses it is you – so try it. And/or, keep your ears open at business functions for people with whom your husband might share a connection or interest. You cannot know for sure which contacts your husband will enjoy meeting, so seek out plenty and offer him a smorgasboard from which to choose.
   
   
4. Spend more time with him. I am sure that you are a super-busy executive woman, who can never find enough hours in the day – but whatever you do, do not fall into the trap of working so much that it is to the detriment of what you would consider an important relationship in your life. A lonely trailing spouse can become a negative trailing spouse. All partners need to feel valued, useful and worthy of your time. Re-organize your work tasks, get up an hour earlier, return his phone messages as soon as possible – keep your laptop and Blackberry turned off on weekends if you can – and basically do whatever it takes to hold on to the things that you cherish.
   

You went abroad together. Work at it and one day you will also go home together.

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.