ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

Help! I’m becoming increasingly negative and pessimistic and can’t help but be cynical and contemptuous towards everyone and about almost everything. This is my second posting overseas with my husband and I know I’m becoming more and more impossible to be around. I am finding it difficult to keep friends and fear that I’m driving my husband and our friends (both here and at home) away. Whenever I meet new people, I find myself uncontrollably ranting about everything here. I realise I shouldn’t or don’t need to be so scathing, as I don’t feel like I’m having a particularly bad or difficult time here, but I’m absolutely at my wits end as to why I’ve morphed into this awful cynic. I used to be such a relaxed and pleasant person to be around. I know I’m spiralling out of control but I have no idea what’s happening and what I can do to return to my usual self.

KP

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear KP

As any 12-step programme co-ordinator will tell you, the hardest part to solving a problem is acknowledging that you have one – and from what you tell me in your email, you’ve already recognised the issues at hand and that you want to do something about it. You’re half way there!

As to why you have “morphed into this awful cynic”, I would guess that it stems from a general feeling of loss of control – a very typical experience for expat spouses. It may also have to do with the people you are associating with. I remember my first luncheon with an international women’s group in a previous posting: I had been in town four days and was very enthusiastic about being there and meeting some people. The first question to me was “What did you do to deserve this?” and secondly, “How long is your sentence?”. I came away very demoralised and quite depressed – how’s that for an introduction and welcome to a place I was going to call home for 3 years!? I decided these women were not for me. I didn’t want to associate with or be surrounded by such negativity. It is not always easy to be choosy about the people you hang out with, but it can certainly do you no harm in being cautious about spending too much time with certain types of people.

If you are not particularly ‘busy’ in your new life, it is very easy to get bogged down with the woe-as-me syndrome and start focusing on all the things that go wrong. This is true of life in general but is slightly exacerbated in expat life because of the foreign-ness of everyday living. An internet connection problem in your home country may just be a matter of over the phone assistance solving the problem instantaneously. An internet connection problem in a foreign country, with a foreign language may involve several attempts of trying to get someone to help, let alone have the problem rectified. In the meantime, the broken internet connection is symbolic of the broken connection with friends and family at home, and all the other services (banking, travel, educational etc) that expats rely on the internet for. It could be enough to send any rational self-controlled person into a fit of emotional rage. Nothing will change the situation you are in, but you can change your reaction to the situation. That is something you DO have control over.

The environment can have an impact on your mood too. Have a look at your daily routine, take note of what really annoys you and modify your actions accordingly. If it is being pushed and shoved by the millions of people on the streets to do your shopping, look for alternative places to shop or try changing the time of day that you visit. It may be less busy. Check if the major shops offer delivery services, so that you can avoid the crowds altogether. If it’s the heat and humidity that pushes your buttons, try and plan a holiday away during the worst weather, or do your outside chores in the early morning or in the late evening, to avoid the intense heat. If you are not the coffee-morning type, look for business associations/networking groups that you can join and associate with like-minded people. The bottom line is to stop and identify what triggers your negative mood and do something to counter-act that. Once you start to eliminate the factors that send you up the wall, and take control of your situation, you should be back on track to returning to the relaxed and pleasant person you were.

Alternatively, take note of the things that make you feel good, put you in a happy frame of mind and do more of those things! I heard a doctor talking on the radio recently, about how exercise can be one of the main saviours for people suffering from negative and depressing thoughts. Something about exercise stimulating endorphin-release and making you feel better than before the exercise. That makes complete sense, as I always feel better after exercise. If you do not already, try incorporating exercise into your daily routine. Be it walking, jogging, swimming, Pilates, visiting a gym class, tennis, squash – or whatever else you think that you will enjoy. Make it a priority and focus this time each day on YOU.

Finally, don’t be afraid to get help if you need it. There is no shame in investing in a (expat) life coach or professional counsellor, to help you get through patches in your life where some external moral support and direction could be wise. It could be the best decision you’ve ever made, in terms of investing in yourself and in your relationships with your family and friends.

Best wishes –and keep your head high!

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
November 2007 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.