Help!  I think I took the “get involved!” advice too literally: I’m a member of four clubs, on the board of two, managed to get talked into being on the event organising committee for a charity here and now I’m head of the newly established Parent Teacher Association at my son’s school.  I love to be busy and being involved in all these clubs makes me feel a bit better about not being able to work, but now I feel stressed, over committed and obligated – I don’t want to let all these people down, but I think I have bitten off more than I can chew.  I feel strange writing this seeing as a lot of women here talk about loneliness, but I really feel anxious and uneasy.

BH

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear BH,

Ahhhh, the other side of the coin!  Well done and good on you for getting out there and making the most of opportunities to meet people and getting involved in your new location.  It’s important to do this and feeling part of a community can make adjustment and settling-in much easier and faster.  Meeting people who have been in your location for some time is a super source of information and is invaluable - they have ‘been there, done that’ and can volunteer some good advice, if not offer solace.  Also, if you have given up employment to move to your new location and you are used to being busy, getting involved on boards and various associations is a great way to maintain confidence and ward off those feelings of ‘uselessness’ and ‘losing control’. 

However, as you have seen, as a new person eager to fit into her community it is very easy to get carried away and over-commit yourself.  At the beginning you may feel obligated to accept every role, position and chance to get involved – you have the time and energy to dedicate.  But as you can see, this willingness and eagerness can very quickly become a source of resentment and anxiety.  My advice to newcomers would be to certainly investigate all the clubs and associations in your area as soon as you can.  Speak to people and attend events and activities as a non-member, if you are able to do so.  Give yourself a month or two to sound out which clubs you think suit you and will benefit your time in your location.  I would wait a good six months to see how your new life pans out before committing yourself to boards and executive committees of these clubs.  Learn to say ‘NO’.  It’s very difficult at the beginning to say ‘no’ because it is a good chance to fill in long days, get out of the house, meet people and it feels as though you maybe turning down an opportunity.  But by waiting a while and doing some club investigative-work before joining, you can add commitments as you feel they fit into your life, not the other way around! 

  ExpatWomen Girlfriend
March 2007   

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand.  She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996.  She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level.  In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship.  Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counselling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors.  Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalisations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form.  Please seek professional advice/counselling/therapy If you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.