ExpatWomen Confession:


Dear EW Girlfriend,

I am living in Amsterdam and I seem to have a problem with giving up the exciting social life that I am living right now as an expat. In the beginning of my posting, I felt homesick - I missed my friends and family back home and felt flattered with the attention and invitations I got from the expatriate community here. Now however, I am so immersed in the social scene here that my job performance is suffering because I find it hard to say no. I suffer from withdrawal symptoms when I try to cut down on partying and I'm afraid of feeling lonely again. My colleagues at work are starting to complain about having to cover for me. Please can you help?

CW

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear CW

I understand the attraction to perhaps some much-needed attention from the expatriate community you're in, whilst deep inside you are probably suffering from homesickness and missing your friends and family.  Living abroad means lots of adventure but it also entails challenges like the one you are facing right now. The fact that you miss your friends and family is normal, and the fact that you seek solace and want to meet other people in the community is a logical response to that. However, spending so much time partying does not mean that the absence of your friends and family are less of a fact. Filling your time with partying and not facing your feelings is not going to make them go away. It is common for people to misinterpret their own feelings – they desire fulfillment and turn to what seems like the quickest way to get it.  So don't make yourself feel terrible.  You are going through some very normal feelings.  However, perhaps you are now at the point that you need to better handle your underlying emotions, before you unknowingly unravel your whole amazing work opportunity abroad.

Living as an expat in an exciting place can be addictive, but I think you need to make some choices here. Taking personal responsibility for your actions means gaining control over your life. Partying constantly does not provide you with lasting fulfillment. Although it can be a lot of fun, in the end, it can be a self-harming behavior that leads you away from true happiness. Decide to gain control over your mind, and thus your life by doing some mental troubleshooting. It's time to stop and take responsibility for everything you do – your work, your lifestyle and most of all... looking after yourself. You cannot control all of the circumstances that surround you; the constant flow of invitations and the never-ending exciting night-life, but you can control your own life. Depending on your social behavior to find happiness is a short-term solution and will wear you out.

Finding that fulfillment means discovering what you really want, and setting goals to get it. If you struggle to set and stick to your goals, then consider reading some self-help books about how to go about doing this.  Or look for a mentor (ie. someone who is on-track, in terms of where you would like to be, who could also mentor you in the right direction and keep you accountable).  Or if you need more help, perhaps find yourself a life coach or counselor, as there is absolutely nothing wrong for getting some professional help to get you through some rough patches in your life, if you value yourself and your ability to succeed.

Have you thought about pursuing some volunteer, or educational or career-expanding opportunities? Or joining a health club? This might give you the chance to perhaps socialize with some different people – eg. People who might prefer to meet up for a walk through the park, than to always meet up at a nightclub.  You might also find some more people with goals and interests that are more aligned with the 'new you'. It takes courage to become a person who is willing to be responsible, but it's very satisfying to feel good about yourself and it will have a positive impact on your colleagues at work as well. Looking at where your life is at now can help you move it to a better place. Successful problem-solving means learning to balance your personal and professional life. You have made a great start by realizing that your current lifestyle is not benefiting you, so now it's time to take the driver's seat and take control.  You can do it!.

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
December 2007 

Our New ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from The Netherlands. She has lived as an Expat Woman in India, Canada, Indonesia, Chile and Thailand – where she is currently a 'trailing spouse' to a husband of a different nationality to hers. She is a mother of two children, born in Asia, that have dual nationalities. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in European Communications (Marketing) and she will soon graduate from her Master of Science degree in Counselling Psychology. She works in a private mental health clinic, plus counsels expatriate women.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy If you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.