I am an Indian citizen and have been living in Singapore on and off for 21 years... I was wondering if you could give me some advice on being the permanent foreigner – the one that inevitably seems to be left behind by expatriate friends? It's very difficult not to retreat and become insular when meeting other expats now – for fear of the pain when they leave...

MJ

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear MJ

Thanks for your email. As the world becomes smaller and more and more people are travelling and living abroad, there is a rising trend in intercultural marriages. A small number of intercultural couples live in a third country (neither the home country of the husband or wife) – a neutral ground where both parties are required to find their footing and equally experience the trials and tribulations of starting over. However, it is perhaps more usual that one in the couple is (or at some stage, becomes) the 'foreigner' in their partner's home country.  

What is my advice on being a permanent foreigner?  I have lived in three very 'foreign' countries/cultures; nestled securely in the safety of a very supportive and lively expatriate community, dipping in and out of my host culture more or less as I felt brave enough to do.  The foreign community was made up entirely of expatriates and the transient lifestyle you mention was the way it was.  People were continually departing and arriving and the social network and foreign community fluctuated accordingly – some years flourishing in a hive of activity, others waning with lack of leadership.  The whole community (schools, clubs, associations, restaurants, nightlife etc) was affected by the ebb and flow of the foreign population. 

I am now living in Sweden.  The transient expatriate population is very small in the city we are living, but I was surprised to continually meet foreigners on the streets who call Sweden home – they are the perma-expats: 'lifers' or 'love refugees' of Sweden.  Some have been here for more than 20 years.  As an expat, we have access to the obvious international women type organisations and associations.  I was even more surprised to learn that very few local foreigners attend these or befriend expats, partly due to their transient nature and partly because they feel they don't have to.  Local foreigners have the advantage of an instant family/friend network through their local spouse.  Many also have very good foreign friends who are also perma-expats.  They tell me it gives them the best of both worlds.  They get the chance to reflect on their own culture coupled with necessary patriotic stimulus and they also have someone who understands their situation of living in a Swedish culture. 

I'm wondering if this is the case in most countries, but it could be worth seeking these other perma-expats out.  

The website www.foreignwivesclub.com – an online community for women in bicultural marriages, might also shed some light on the issues you are concerned with.

Finally, I'd like to comment on your sentiment about becoming insular as a way of protecting yourself. It is a shame not to meet people purely based on the fact that they will leave. Turn this into a positive and enjoy every moment you have with your expat friends. Use these people to enhance your life and share cultural insights and experiences with each other. Bounce ideas around and feed each other the rich and invaluable information you have to share. And when they do leave, the ones that you really want to stay in touch with, are truly only a plane ride or an email away.

  ExpatWomen Girlfriend
September 2007   

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counselling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors.  Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalisations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form.  Please seek professional advice/counselling/therapy If you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.