Expat Women - Helping Expatriate Women Living Overseas - Expat Relocation Abroad

ExpatWomen Confession:

Dear EW Girlfriend,

I am in a complete state of shock and have no idea where to turn. My husband of 22 years came home last night and told me he wants a divorce because he is in love with somebody else. We have been expatriates for 17 years, have lived in seven countries and have three dependent children. I have been financially dependent on my husband for all of our expatriate years and I have no idea how I am going to survive and make a living for myself from now on. Gosh, if I could have seen this coming, maybe I could have planned for it in some way. Instead, my head is spinning with a million and one questions: Where I am going to live? Where are my children going to live? How will they see their father if he continues to stay here in Russia? How am I going to support myself financially? .How can I pick up the pieces and survive this nightmare?

PB

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear PB,

I can only imagine all the thoughts and questions that are running through your head at this time. Divorce can be a mind-numbing and life-altering experience in itself, but there are added complications for divorce in the expatriate community. Expatriate relationships do go through a myriad of unconventional stresses and strains, which can sometimes forge a deeper relationship, sometimes cause a distinct rift between the couple, and sometimes, unfortunately lead one of the partners to be seduced by the excitement of a new person and want to end the relationship.

In addition to the overwhelming emotional and psychological strain that divorce causes, there are numerous practical and logistical concerns that present themselves in the face of divorce overseas. I would suggest your first port of call is to obtain a reputable divorce lawyer who specialises in family law. It is very important not to take any action that can affect your divorce rights before seeking credible legal advice. You need to determine what your rights are, what you are entitled to and the legal situation or requirements in your particular country. This can be somewhat complicated as an expatriate and can depend on factors such as your nationality, where you were married, where you are currently living, your residency status and where you are filing for divorce. It is also advisable to employ a different lawyer to your husband.

You may also want to meet with a professional counsellor to help you sort through the questions you have and help you to mentally process your circumstances and options. It can be difficult at times to believe that you have options. It may take some thought, questioning and external guidance to help see that you do and to help you sort through your emotions and options. If nothing else, a counselling session usually proves to be a priceless sanctuary for you to voice your side of the story, without the worry of what others think in your (usually tight-knit) expat community.

In terms of finances, if you have been actively involved in the household finances and investments, you will understand exactly how much money you and your husband have access to and you will know how to access some of it, in the short term at least. If you have never actively managed the household finances and investments, you are not alone. Many expatriate spouses come unstuck when they need to know what they have money-wise, where it is and how to access it. Talk to your lawyer about how you can best determine your assets and liabilities, and then from this day forward, make a commitment to yourself that you will always be more in control of your finances. For example, from now on, make sure you understand how bills are paid, have all the various passwords for phone and internet banking and access to all the accounts. Keep abreast of your monthly income and especially your expenditure.

To respond to your concern about how to support yourself in the future, the answer is two-fold: How is your husband going to assist you, given the many years you invested in your relationship and raising your/his children?; and How might you earn your own money in the future?

Many expat spouses, both male and female, who have experienced significant periods of time out of the workforce, do very rightly feel concerned about resuming work (at home or abroad) and presenting a conventional resume. Self-confidence and self-esteem may also be running low and anxiety at a high, compounding the issue. Sometimes it may be difficult to believe you have anything worthwhile to put on a resume at all. However, think of it this way: everything you do and everything you experience can be translated into skills and honed for a certain job. You just need to think creatively about how to describe the attributes and skills you have nurtured and acquired on your travels.

For example, have you served on the board of a club? If so, in what capacity and what were your tasks? Would you say that you are skilled at networking across cultures, with a broad spectrum of people and job roles? Do you now have an understanding and appreciation that people operate differently according to cultural boundaries and are flexible to work with those differences? All of these are valuable attributes that employers may be interested in and you should make them known. Consider using a professional CV writer in the location that you are seeking to work to increase your chances of getting ‘in the door’. It is much easier to convince an employer of your experience and skills when you are sitting in front of them – so getting a great CV organised is really your first and most important step.

It might also be worth exploring the idea of creating your own business. Being an entrepreneur usually allows you much more flexibility in terms of your work hours, especially if you become the primary caretaker of your three dependent children. You could either start a business based on your new skills in the cross-cultural/ global relocation field, or perhaps use this opportunity to build a business based on one of your hobbies or passions. When you are up to it, seek out advice, talk to other entrepreneurs and see if there is something you would love to work on each day that could also translate into a satisfactory income.

Remember to call in favours from your friends and network – both locally and abroad. They most likely will only be too happy to help you out in your time of need either with emotional support, a temporary place to stay, a possible job contact or even a financial loan. It is amazing what you get, if you swallow your pride and just ask.

Finally, whilst incredibly painful right now, be assured that the end of your marriage does not signify the end of your life – it just means the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. The most important thing for you to do right now is to allow yourself time to breathe, to grieve, to talk about your emotions and to process this major shock. Eventually, things will work themselves out. It may just take a little time for them to gain clarity. All our best wishes.

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
October 2009


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