Six months ago, I was in a great job back home in London. I was not a career professional as such, but I was paid very, very well. I agreed to leave my job because everything about my husband's new posting to Malaysia sounded incredibly exciting and it was never really an option in my mind to commute or to separate from my husband of three years. However, I am not coping well with financial dependence – I feel guilty asking for money and I feel that my husband is using his control of his money as some sort of power-play. We are arguing daily about this (which is unlike us) and we are not a very happy couple. Please help.
SD
ExpatWomen Girlfriend:
Dear SD
Your situation touches on a very typical sense of loss and change in the dynamics of a relationship when one person in the partnership becomes financially dependent. This issue not only affects expatriate couples, but anyone who becomes financially dependent (stay-at–home-parents being a perfect example), It is a genuine issue, so let's talk it through...
There is a reason that those who have money are usually smiling: money is a very powerful commodity. Money can buy a sense of freedom – the freedom to buy a meal, the freedom to pay for a taxi, the freedom to own a laptop and stay connected via the Internet, the freedom to know that you can board a bus or a plane and leave an unhappy situation at any time. The person who controls the money, potentially controls the freedom.
This sense of control is especially important to acknowledge in an expatriate assignment, where a change in environment, change in situation, change in employment status, change in culture, change in friendships and so many other changes in everyday living can often leave one feeling extremely out of control. Losing financial control as well can be another major blow to probably an already fragile sense of self-esteem. In this day and age, most women work or have worked and have therefore had their own source of income and relative financial independence. This can be an extremely difficult transition for a newly un- or under-employed expatriate woman. Combine this with a possible frustration that your usually supportive partner is not being particularly sensitive to your feelings can understandably leave anyone reaching out for help.
So how can you feel better?
Work: I encourage you to further explore the possibility of finding either paid or voluntary employment in your new location. Granted, you may have already looked and/or you may not have access to the correct working visa, so I urge you to think 'out of the box' – in terms of whom you could work for (eg. Could you work virtually, for a client back home or elsewhere?) and what kind of work you might be able to do (including volunteer work or intern work in a new field of interest for you). It may not be what you were doing back home, it may not be full-time, it may not pay very much (if anything at all), but it may just give you back that sense of independence and satisfaction that you had when you were working back home – and thus make you feel more in control of your overall situation.
Feel proud: Remember to take pride in whatever you are doing to help settle your family unit into your new environment. Do not belittle your importance or input into the relationship, just because your current role is not technically a 'paid' position.
Bank account: If you have not already done so, I suggest you consider opening your own bank account, if legally feasible. In this way, it would be possible for you to transfer the money that you have agreed for day-to-day spending directly to your account each time your husband gets paid. This should help to alleviate your sense of guilt and the embarrassment of needing to 'ask' your husband for money. If you cannot get your own bank account, agree that each time your husband gets paid, he brings home the set cash amount and from there, it is your responsibility to look after it.
Budget: I would also sit down and draw up a household budget. If you have never done this, be warned that to be honest and see exactly what a household's financial capacity really is, can be a very confronting process. Start with the essentials – such as accommodation costs, utilities, groceries, transport and essential bills. Then work out how much you want to save each month – so your long-term financial position is not negatively affected by your new posting. Then budget for the fun stuff – like holidays and exotic getaways. After that, you should be aiming to come to some sort of realistic agreement about how much you really can spend on a day-to-day basis, so you can spend this amount guilt-free.
With regards to your relationship it is important to ask yourself 'why' your husband seems to be controlling the money. If he is doing it consciously, why do you think this is happening? Does he have a pattern of wanting to control things between you in the past? If yes, well that habit might be the one that needs identifying and breaking. If not, why do you think he would start trying to control you now? Do you think he is feeling out of control in this new foreign environment and therefore trying to compensate with gaining increased control at home? Or are your own issues with possibly lowered self-esteem and/or financial dependence clouding your views of your relationship, especially in terms of finances?
If your husband is not consciously trying to limit your freedom by controlling the finances, why do you think he is unable to see the effects this is having on you and your relationship? Is it because he may genuinely not appreciate that you do need money to spend each day (for example, on transport, food, outings, meet-ups with friends and/or other commitments)? Is it because he may not yet grasp just how much things cost in your new location, and his original idea of how much you would need each day does not match the reality of your day-to-day life? Is it because your arguments about money have now made him (or both of you) very defensive about the topic, so that any new argument is really just a re-run of a previous argument, at least in his (or both of your) minds? Or does he genuinely have concerns that the household is spending more than is sustainable on his current income? Whatever the reasoning, you need to communicate your feelings and thoughts about the finances and the impact you believe it is having on your relationship with your husband, and sooner rather than later. You may want to discuss with him the idea of establishing a budget and even meet with an independent, professional financial advisor.
If these ideas do not work, or perhaps even if they do, I recommend that you both consider seeing some sort of relationship counselor – to help you both deal with the communication issues that have strung this situation on for six months already. This tactic should hopefully strengthen your relationship so that it survives not only this issue, but the other myriad of relationship issues that you may face in the future – either at home or abroad.
Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.
Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now.
