ExpatWomen Confession:

Dear EW Girlfriend,

Hi there, I was previously employed at home and now find myself at a loss as a trailing spouse in St Petersburg, Russia. I don’t speak Russian and even if I could find a job, legally it’s not possible for me to work here. Suddenly the days are very long, I have difficulty filling them and am starting to dread going to bed because it means I wake up with another day to face. I’ve never experienced this before and feel so useless – I feel like I achieve nothing and the small wonders that I do manage to achieve (like finally getting broadband set up!) take all my energy and leave me questioning my ability to do anything at all. The women’s clubs here are really not my cup of tea and I find them quite negative and pointless. Do you have any tips or advice on how I can stop myself feeling like this?

PZ

ExpatWomen Girlfriend:

Dear PZ,

Oh boy, can I empathise with your situation. I was that person and know exactly what you mean about questioning your ability to accomplish even the smallest of tasks. The transition from life as an independent, busy and successful executive to trailing spouse can take its toll on anyone, but throw in a foreign country, endless Soviet bureaucracy and another language – wow! It is very tough and what helped me was to set up a routine for myself. Yes, a routine, ‘getting stuck in the rut’, a regimented daily schedule - at a time when you feel that everything is up in the air and out of control, a routine is the one constant – a saviour!

Set your alarm or get up when your partner gets up – wallowing in bed everyday seems like a luxury for some, but when you believe you have nothing to get up for, it is a slippery slope into depression. Set yourself a morning routine whether it is breakfast and reading the newspaper, doing an hour of emails, the washing, grocery shopping or something else. Plan in what time you will shower, how long you will read the newspaper, how many chapters of that book you want to read and where you will take that walk. Set yourself something ‘nice’ to do a couple of times a week like try a new lunch place, something touristy or learn something new.

I found exercise to be another liberator in that it made me feel better about myself, it got me out of the house for two hours AND I felt I was productive. Continuing on from my previous existence as an employee I still mentally plan my day the night before. Even if it is to plan chores and ‘free’ time – it meant that my days didn’t just meld into weeks and months. In my mind I had set specific things to do and most importantly, at the end of the day I could see what I had achieved, check off my To-Do-List and it made me feel productive and good about myself. The better you feel about yourself, the more control you feel you have over a situation and then more often than not, you are open to new opportunities. Being open to new opportunities could result in friendships, employment, the prospect of starting your own project, travel or whatever.

With each new day, you have a blank canvas at your finger tips – that can be very daunting - but also, it IS blank and waiting for you to write on it. Happy planning and best of luck!

ExpatWomen Girlfriend
February 2007 

Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand.  She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996.  She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level.  In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship.  Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counselling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to ExpatWomen.com visitors.  Its suggestions and/or inferences are independent ideas and may not represent the views of ExpatWomen.  See our Terms of Use for further details. Please seek professional advice/counselling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance in dealing with different issues in your life.