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ExpatWomen Confession:
Dear EW Girlfriend,
My husband has just been offered a one-year assignment abroad and I am thinking about whether or not to quit my job and move away from my ill mother to join him. I have no aspirations to live abroad, I am really very content and happy with my life here, and I feel duty bound to be here for my mother. I have thought about living apart: I understand it would be difficult, but it is an option that I am also considering, even though I know that living apart would not be the best solution for our new marriage. All I can think about is my mother – and all that I would be giving up and losing out on if we moved. Could you please give me some idea of the positives attached to living the expat life abroad, to convince me to give it a go?
DH
ExpatWomen Girlfriend:
Dear DH
It would be my absolute pleasure, as a new expat wife who has recently moved to her 7th country, to tell you of all the benefits and positive aspects of experiencing life abroad.
Making the move.
For some, it is a real struggle to give up (or take leave from) their work (and their current identity) to follow their partner's career overseas – leaving family, friends and everything that is familiar. For others, it feels like a real blessing to be handed an escape ticket for a year or more – an amazing opportunity to be adventurous and try a new life... albeit for a while.
However you choose to look at it, one of the major benefits of moving abroad as a trailing spouse (or 'accompanying partner') is the chance to have your very own blank canvas. You can use the time to: do what you have always wanted to do; take the time to relax; get out and explore your new city; travel in and around your new country; meet new people; start your own business; further your education; get healthy; pursue a new or favourite hobby; take cultural classes; learn a new language; 'give back' via local charity organizations; spend some quality time with your partner and/or children without as many of the time pressures as before; dabble in the stock market; enjoy the newspaper and latte in a corner café... the possibilities are endless if you choose to find them and make the most of your 'time out'.
Finances.
For many expats, a key attraction in accepting an overseas assignment is the financial benefit. A traditional employer-initiated expat package tends to include accommodation, health insurance, schooling, home help, utilities, flights home and various other incentives that make the choice to go abroad more financially convincing. Taking an overseas assignment might also give you the chance to get ahead if you have mortgage payments, as you can rent out your home while you are away and use the rental income to help pay down your mortgage. Be warned though: expat packages are like airline tickets – shop around, fight for the best deal, then never ask your neighbour what they has/is paid, as it is sure to be different to yours. Also, many a well-paid expat has returned home without much to show for it, so be smart with your money and consult a financial advisor if necessary.
Travel.
In addition to the additional money you might have to travel, being abroad usually means that you are closer to a whole range of different, exciting locations to explore, which might not have been so easy for you to travel to before. This is a fabulous opportunity to see more of the world and most seasoned expatriates exploit this new proximity at every public holiday and annual leave opportunity. To many, this can be a big plus of being abroad.
Cultural and social enrichment.
Your new life abroad will give you the chance to meet many people – both expats and locals. Social clubs and local associations offer an excellent platform for meeting other people/women and can indeed provide you with a wonderful and rewarding support network in the absence of family and friends back home. Friendships in the expat world usually form very quickly and you can become close much faster than at home, because you share common frustrations, excitement, fears and challenges of living in unfamiliar surroundings. Generally the expat community is very warm, supportive and friendly making it extremely easy to meet people and form friendships. And if you do not find a group, network or association that interests you, don't be afraid to set one up yourself!. Check our confession .
Tips on dealing with leaving family members.
In my twelve years away, I have noticed that leaving (both ill and healthy) family members is repeatedly one of the most common concerns facing the ever-growing female population of expatriates. Whatever your age, background or cultural identity, leaving family, particularly if they are ill or ageing, is never easy. Here are some tips that I have picked up from expats along the way, which I hope you find helpful and relevant to your situation:
Make sure your company knows your family situation and negotiate into your contract flight tickets home, and possibly extra leave for the working spouse;
Call your mother at least once every week, at about the same time if possible;
Plan to go home as often as you realistically can and make sure your mother is aware of these plans. It will give her something to look forward to;
Speak to your mother's* bank manager/ health provider/ gardener/ insurance broker/ whoever and make sure they understand that she is aging/ill/forgetful/alone and ask them to help maintain her affairs accordingly. Ask her doctor to call her and make frequent, scheduled appointments perhaps. Make sure you have a 'permission to enquire' form signed for her doctor and all other necessary agencies, so they can talk to you freely and are not breaching privacy/confidentiality regulations and so on;
Ask a close relative or a familiar neighbour if they wouldn't mind to look in on your mother on a regular basis, just to make sure there is food in the cupboard, electricity is working and things are ticking over;
If your mother needs it, arrange for meals on wheels or another non-profit care for the elderly type organisation to call in on your mother every couple of weeks, especially during the winter months;
Try and get your mother into a group of some sort – bridge, church choir, book group – something to keep her occupied and surrounded by friends and people she can trust and who you can contact if need be;
If your mother is able to use email, and possibly the internet also, encourage her to do so – teach her and support her if necessary – so that she can both be and feel more connected to you and her friends if she is not seeing everyone as often; and
Consider putting credit onto her phone bill, so that she can feel free to call you abroad whenever necessary, without fear of the cost of the phone call(s).
As with most things, there is list of positives and negatives applicable to living aboard (the list above is not comprehensive) – and the list is subjective from person to person. Living abroad is not always easy, but nine times out of ten, it is rewarding, enriching and adds a new dimension to your life that you will most likely treasure in the years to come. Having said that, if you feel you are genuinely in a situation where your mother needs your care and attention, then perhaps no amount of money, travel or new friendships abroad could compare to the value of quality time you are able to devote to your mother at home. Weigh up the pros and cons, consider your mother's specific illness, and also bear in mind your new marriage – is it strong enough to survive time apart and/or time abroad if it is against your will? If you do decide to give it a go, worse comes to worse, you can always go home. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, don't they say...?
ExpatWomen Girlfriend
January 2009
Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend is originally from New Zealand. She has been living abroad as an expatriate since 1996. She has an educational background in Human Resources and Cross Cultural Psychology and has worked with expatriate support issues at the private, corporate and non-profit level. In 2004, she saw a need and established an English speaking hotline in her expat location, offering free mental health support to the growing expatriate population. The hotline provides confidential and anonymous support and information via trained telephone volunteers and is funded through corporate sponsorship. Our ExpatWomen Girlfriend has always been an active member in the various expatriate communities she has lived in, providing cross-cultural awareness training and informal counseling sessions with a particular focus on the 'trailing spouse' and family.
Disclaimer: This column is intended to be of general interest to visitors. Its suggestions and/or inferences are generalizations and do not address the needs of individuals, nor should they be relied upon in any shape or form. Please seek professional advice/counseling/therapy if you genuinely need assistance to talk through issues in your life right now. |
