This article gives an introduction to the core of my new book 'Listen to your children... and they will listen to you' - a proven step by step strategy to break through the communication barrier.

My book is founded on the principle of coaching. As a coach you create a powerful collaborative relationship that centres on your child's situation and their aspirations. You will work with them using questions to raise the awareness of where they are in a given situation, enabling them to identify what is good about it, what is not so good about it, how it could be improved, or acknowledging that things are great and celebrating their success.

You know what is right for you and your child and my aim is to prompt you to think and to consider the possibility of alternative practices that will enhance further your skills and joy as a parent.

1) A fundamental requirement is that you and your child must both want and be prepared to do something different than you have been doing.

2) You may need to consider changing your current habits and look at creating new ones. After all, if you keep doing what you're doing - you'll just keep getting what you're getting now! Just by committing to making one small measured improvement each day can make all the difference.

3) I would prompt you to consider that no change should be seen in isolation from the whole, i.e. a change in your child may necessitate a change in you; a change in you will have positive repercussions throughout your life.

4) It has recently been acknowledged that empathy and acceptance with and from a child's peer group is more important to them than achieving academic success. This may present a challenge. Such challenges are part of being a parent. Coaching will enable you to involve and include your child in identifying the best way forward. Coaching is an internal process and it enables a person to connect with their inner self and empowers them to make their own choices.

5) Don't fall into the trap of just looking at what's wrong or what you feel you don't do well. Start noticing – and take time to reflect on - what you do well. Go one step further and make a list to keep near you as a reminder.

6) Do eliminate the word 'failure' from your vocabulary – it can be quite a liberating experience! Starting thinking of failure as just a different outcome or result to what you had expected. Some of your greatest lessons/insights will come from these different outcomes, so don't deny or ignore them.

7) I encourage parents to see their children, in the same light as they see their best friend. Parents need to listen to their children's perspective, respect them as individuals and to support them through the issues they are facing. When parents or care givers, take this approach, incredible things happen in the relationship.

8) To understand the way your child processes information and relates to you is crucial in your understanding of their communication and putting them at ease helps enormously. For example if your child is a 'Seeing individual' you can ask how does this situation look to you?' If 'Hearing and Thinking' ask 'how does this situation sound to you?' Or if 'Feeling' resonates with him 'how does this situation feel for you?'. The 'How children learn' exercise is within the book.

9) The language you use with your child is extremely important. Remember your child learns from you and if you use inappropriate language they will too.

10) Listening is a crucial skill and, like any skill, can be improved and developed. As you develop rapport you will be practicing active listening and your skills will automatically be enhanced. Active listening is listening to what is being said and being receptive to the messages behind the words that are being communicated:
* Hearing and interpreting what the tone of voice is communicating to you
* Hearing and interpreting what the facial expression is telling you
* Hearing and interpreting what is being articulated by the  child's body language
Your child may be choosing to tell you nothing. However, the above techniques will paint a vivid picture that will enable you to interpret the hidden messages.
Qualities of a good listener:
a) Genuine Interest
b) Respect
c) Empathy
d) Clarity
e) Articulation

11) Ensure you allow enough quality time with your child and always keep this time sacrosanct. If you are busy and cannot concentrate immediately on a question, ask your child to save the questions until the appropriate time.

12) Asking questions reflects your interest, your desire to build rapport, and connect with your child. The types of questions you use are vital. The important ones to elicit information are open questions. Open questions are questions fronted with, What - When - Where - Who and How. All the words mentioned require a fuller answer than yes or no. The use of Why is restricted as it tends to be confrontational and will stop the flow in an instant.

13) It may seem obvious that showing appreciation to our children is important. However, how often do you do it? Remember, when listening with empathy you listen from your child's perspective rather than your own, enabling you to see the world through their eyes. It means you can 'feel with' them, rather than 'feel like them'.

14) In terms of appreciation, always show and tell your child that you love them and give plenty of hugs and affection. Your child wants attention and compliments without strings attached, or as bait for something you want done, or as evidence of what a good parent you are. Be there for them.
15) You are working toward your child's self-empowerment by encouraging them to explore their own ideas and to find their own solutions, rather than you providing all the answers.

16) Allow your child to experiment (within reason) to build confidence and trust in themselves. If they are at an age where this will be fun, encourage them to balance your housekeeping, change the oil on the car or a plug help you with some cooking or the washing up. Allowing children to become involved in this way will create momentum and foster a sense of responsibility.

17) Look for the behaviour you want to acknowledge, build and develop it. Comment on it positively and ask open questions to explore how your child feels about it and what the benefits are (what's in it for them).

18) Encourage your child to dream and to have things to aspire to. Encourage them to keep a journal of all the things they do, noting those they are proud of and acknowledging those they are not and what has been learnt from the experience.

19) Celebrating success and reflecting on achieveme
nts is an essential ingredient in supporting your child.

Celebrating can be:
* Praising them
* Telling others in their hearing how well they have done and how much you appreciate them
* Spending extra time doing something they enjoy, either  with you, a special friend, or possibly on their own
* Having a time bank, where they deposit amounts of time ready for a special day out, or time which you and they spend together

Connecting with your child is being there for them, being willing to learn and grow together and rejoicing in all that you do together.

Good luck in all you do to develop your child.

Alan Wilson
Alan Wilson is the Founder of Develop Your Child Ltd and the author of "Listen To Your Children and They Will Listen To You". He has successfully adapted life coaching and related techniques to build self-esteem and confidence in children, young people and parents.

(c) Alan Wilson. All Rights Reserved.