Dhyan Summers MA

Both as a woman who has made enough transitions for two lifetimes, as well as a psychotherapist, I have become profoundly interested in how we can effectively manage and grow from the transitions in our lives.

Until recently, life transitions were not as big of an issue for women as they made relatively few of them.  The typical transitions a woman might make in her lifetime were graduation, marriage, motherhood, loss of one or more significant relationships, possibly an illness, and the ultimate transition, death.  These were, for the most part, marked by rituals which singled the woman out and offered her what she needed at the time.

Many of my own transitions have been made on my own, with little fanfare, and certainly no ritual.  I am thinking of geographic moves (of which I've made 15 in my adult life), changing careers, moving in and out of the job market, marriage and divorce, and adjusting to living and working in a foreign country.

In addition to, or possibly in place of, some of the transitions mentioned above, today a woman might face entering the workplace for the first time, multiple job and career changes, remarriage with blended families, early retirement, widowhood and possibly being on her own for the first time in later years.

As women, we are now making more transitions and they are happening with greater frequency than ever before.  It has been helpful to me, as well as the women who come to me for counseling, to know some of the factors which can help us move through the inevitable changes in our lives.

I have found that using what has been referred to as the '4 S System' can be of help in identifying and smoothing out some of the rough spots.  The '4 S System' can be credited to Schlossberg, N.K. (1984) Counseling Adults in Transition, New York, Springer Publishing Company. The 4 S's are Situation, Self, Support, and Strategies. We can briefly take a look at each of these areas to determine where our strengths and weaknesses lie.

When considering the first 'S': the Situation, it is important to know if we had input in the decision to make the change or if it was imposed on us.  Take the example of being offered a job that involves relocating. If there is no pressure from our own or our spouse's employer to take the job, and if we have significant input regarding the move, we are likely to fare much better than if the move was a directive.  I have found that the more limited my say in the matter, the more I am likely to feel resentment, anger and a sense of powerlessness which can have a negative impact on other areas of my life as well. 

For me, as well as my clients, it has been important to honor our feelings, realizing that they are a normal response to a difficult situation, allow their expression in a safe way, and finally to let them go so we can move on with our lives.

Timing is also crucial when evaluating our situation.  If we are at a relatively stable point in our lives, transitions can be made more smoothly.  If there is upheaval in other areas such as a physical illness, an ageing parent, a sick child or a job restructuring, the stress will be exacerbated.

The second 'S' refers to the Self, and our outlook on life.  It is the old adage of the glass being half full or half empty.  Whether we have a generally optimistic or pessimistic 'take' on life can greatly affect the outcome of our transitions, not to mention our overall health and well being.  I am not talking here about becoming a Pollyanna Sunshine.  I am referring to deeply-held attitudes and beliefs about life that were probably learned at an early age, and/or those that we may have a genetic predisposition toward. 

Upon close examination, we may find that we are holding a negative view of life, or a particular aspect of it.  In this case, if we are brave enough to recognize without judgment that we may be holding outworn negative beliefs, it is the first step to looking at each situation in a more realistic light. I have found that if I can lift up the veil of a pessimistic overlay, it is possible to change fear into excitement. I then become able to see the positive aspects of a particular transition and can also have a more positive attitude regarding other areas of my life.

The third 'S' refers to our Support System.  The importance of having a supportive network, which can include spouse, family members, friends and colleagues who we can turn to during times of stress, cannot be over-emphasized.  Unfortunately, during a transition our support system may become disrupted, again using the example of a geographic move.  Also, during a divorce, friends may feel obliged to take sides, and may withdraw contact when we need it most.  During a transition, when I find my support network disrupted, it becomes imperative to me to begin to build a new support system into my life.

Which brings us to the fourth 'S': Strategies.  This refers to coping strategies that have worked in the past and that we can now draw on.  A few examples of effective coping strategies are negotiating, taking optimistic action, seeking advice, asserting ourselves, using humor, and rearranging our priorities.  If we have not used particularly effective strategies in the past, we may want to seek help to develop new methods of coping with difficult situations.  By learning new coping strategies, we can move beyond returning to homeostasis and can allow real growth to take place.

All transitions begin with endings, and endings in themselves can bring up powerful feelings of sadness, grief or anger. This is the paradox: When I am willing to stay with my feelings and look directly into them without fear, I often find that the feelings dissolve themselves.  In so doing, it is important for us to remember not to judge ourselves for having the feelings, and not to indulge in the 'story' around them (such as 'poor me' for whatever reasons we come up with.)  If our feelings seem to overwhelm us for a prolonged period of time, it can be helpful to seek professional advice.

As women, we are frequently in the role of caretaker to children, spouses, and/or ageing parents.  We therefore, not only have our own needs and feelings to contend with, but those of others as well.  Again using the example of a move, if we are unhappy and want to crawl under the covers because we are in a strange place far from home, we will not be able to truly help our family with the myriad of issues that arise for them.  On the other hand, if we listen carefully to what we are saying to our kids and spouse about the move, we might ask ourselves how we can apply these words of wisdom to ourselves as well!

We have all heard the speech in the airplane countless times about putting on our own oxygen masks before assisting a child or another passenger.  The reason for this is simple: if we are unable to breathe, how can we help anyone else?  We may want to use some of the strategies mentioned above to help both ourselves and our families become better equipped to cope during times of change.

If we can learn to gracefully navigate the waters of transition, including becoming conscious of our basic outlook on life, making changes where needed, developing a support system, and using effective coping strategies, we may find ourselves coming through the transition to the other side, in a much better place than  we were when we started.   For me, that's a big part of what life is all about!

Dhyan Summers is an American licensed psychotherapist in private practice in New Delhi.  She is also available for phone consultations.  Email:  mindfulaction@yahoo.com