Moving house is certainly a stressful life-experience but when coupled with moving country too, it really does take some beating. Stress can cause tension and disagreement, particularly between you and your partner, as you plan and execute your plans to relocate.  Arriving in a new location and learning how to adapt to your new environment usually only adds more potential stress in a relationship, as you probably already know. 

So for those of you who have moved abroad with your partner and/or are moving abroad, here are six simple coaching strategies, to help you find your own resolutions to the challenges that you face together:

1. Talk

Bottling things up is tantamount to disaster. If you have an issue on your mind it will not just go away; it will keep popping up, often growing in magnitude, until you decide to deal with it. For example, if you have moved abroad with your partner to help them further their career, it is possible that you feel as though you have been ‘left behind' in various ways. Your partner may have settled-in more quickly, already have made friends through work and seem comfortable in their new environment, whilst you might still be adjusting and trying to start afresh.  In this example, you need to talk to your partner.  Whatever frustrations you might experience, ensure your partner is made aware of them by sitting down and talking things through. Airing your concerns means you are not asking them to mind-read and it will help you overcome any problems together and move you forward.


2. Truly listen to their point of view

Moving abroad with a partner can lead to imbalances – career, financial, emotional and physical (if one of you settles faster than the other). It is essential that as well as talking, you both employ active listening.  All too often we hear people rather than listen to them; we are waiting to share our opinions and thinking of our response whilst they are still talking. Try to listen more than you talk and you will be demonstrating that you respect their view. This is half the battle won; once they have said all that they want to say they will relax and be able to concentrate fully on what you have to say.  This technique will stop you from talking over, or interrupting, one another and ensure your conversations are made calmly and constructively.


3. Be honest

Sometimes to protect our partner, we shelter the real truth with regards to the extent of how a situation is making us feel. When moving abroad, it is common to feel unnerved by the fact that familiar tasks and situations suddenly change: your routines, career, family life and financial situation all take a bit of a bashing. Even the simplest of things can become extremely frustrating.  The important thing is to acknowledge that feeling this way is perfectly normal but also to understand that you are not on your own.  Clients who have moved abroad for their partner's careers often feel a need, during the first months at least, to keep quiet about their problems. They say things like “my partner already has enough to deal with at work without me adding to it”. Ironically, I hear almost the exact same thing from the partner who is at work! It would be wrong to say you can control everything in life and get it all done exactly how you want it – there are too many external factors that you have no influence over – but you can obtain support from your partner by sharing your frustrations with them.  And remember, unless you are completely honest, your concerns will only be further exacerbated, affect your moods and result in you behaving unconstructively. Conflict often arises when the opposing party is unaware of all the facts so make sure yours are known.


4. Be conscious of your phrasing

When in a situation of conflict, our frustrations often lead us to lash out. In most cases this results in things being said that are neither accurate nor truly meant. Take generalizations for example. Saying, “You make me unhappy”. This would be far better expressed as “When you did X the other day, it made me feel unhappy because Y”. Having employed this new strategy (involving active listening and improved articulation), take a deep breath and acknowledge what your partner has said. Then address your own points, clearly and specifically so as not to create further difficulties between you.


5. Move forwards and create a win-win situation for you both

Agree one small thing that each of you could do today to help resolve the issue and then both go out of your way to ensure you do it. Some clients choose to repeat this exercise and each complete a daily ‘task' throughout the week.  Stick a list on the fridge to remind you both of the things you have agreed to do and take 5 minutes at the end of each week to review your successes. Question what happened if tasks were not achieved and then agree how to make them happen.  The idea is to agree outcomes where neither of you feels you are having to compromise and you both feel as though you are moving forwards.


6. Remember to enjoy all the good things!

Finally, remember to keep things in perspective and enjoy all that your new life has to offer you both!

© Clear Horizon Coaching 2008
Published by Expatwomen.com with permission

Rebecca Wells is a coach who specialises in working with expatriates.If you believe you could be happier or feel that you could achieve more either personally or professionally, visit her website
www.clearhorizoncoaching.com for more information and to read about how coaching can help you move forwards.  Rebecca also offers expats, who are genuinely interested in their personal development, a free coaching session with absolutely no obligation so that they can experience the power of coaching with her first-hand.